Merry Christmas

Christmas is always celebrated at my place because it is the one occasion where my family is brought together regardless of their race, or any other differences. It is the one occasion where we sing, laugh, eat, drink and leave all the negativity behind. What I love about Christmas the most, is the company and the magical effect it has on us all.

Don't you agree that there's something magical about Christmas? I don't know if it's the ambiance, the company or simply the thought of it that makes it all so special, but I'm loving it.

And what else to top it off than a Christmas movie? Till this very day, one of my favourite movie would have to be "When the Grinch Stole Christmas".

Not only is Cindy Lou Who cute,

That's Taylor Momsen, in case you didn't know.

But I love the storyline and song as well.

So have a very blessed Christmas and enjoy yourselves to your hearts content!

Happy Holidays!

To the ones I think about daily

Hello you.

If you're reading this, that means you've been trying to keep track with my life, and I do appreciate that. I have been thinking about you too, yes, every single one of you.

I know that I haven't been around for any of you guys for this past year, and I guess I haven't had any good reasons other than "I'm busy". I know it is the worst and lamest excuse, but hear me out okay?


School Life hasn't been the best for me and it's been pretty hard settling down too. I'm still not used to the class time slots, and most definitely the assignments that are back to back (till now, assignments are still up my ass). Truth is, I'm still not used to any of this.


But I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to those whom I haven't met in a long while.
I'm sorry to those whom I've met empty promises too, often telling them that we'll meet up soon but we never do.
I'm sorry to those whom I've left hanging in MSN conversations.
I'm sorry to those whom I've not spend enough time with.
I'm sorry to those who only get earful of my problems but get no attention in return.
I'm sorry to those whose meet-ups I've canceled time and again.

I'm sorry.



Believe me when I say that I feel disgusted and disappointed with myself. I feel guilty and the fear of losing you guys haunts me every single day.


Losing you guys is pretty much like losing pieces of me.


But I just want you to know that I do care about you guys and though I may not be physically present or available, I'm always rooting for you guys in my heart, and as the saying goes, I'm always a call away.


Okay, enough of the mushy-ness.




Kthxbye.

Random Updates

School hasn't been great.

Yeah, I did make a couple of new friends who are good group mates, but other than that, it hasn't been much. I'm not pouring all out for the sake of gaining sympathy but the reason why I hate class sometimes is because of how I'm treated. Yeah yeah, I may not be the best person to talk to, and I might seem scary and anti-social, but that doesn't mean I don't exist man. I hate it when most of the class is invited to some event through facebook and texts while people like me are left in the dark. Okay, you may not want to invite me, that's fine. But can't you at least have the heart to not talk about it when I'm there? And to those who say "Oh, just come lah. She don't have your number/ she forgot to add you". Well, that's not how I roll. I only go on personal invites, not word of mouth.


Anyways, I've decided to chop off my medusa look-alike do.

I'm somewhere in there.

The Mum and Pops haven't been the least bit pysched about my hair and have been always on my back to get "that thing" off of my head. They even tried to make me reminisce about my locks back then and wished that I could return to the normal little girl they once had. HAH.



But I AM going to cut it, but haven't really decided on how it's going to look like though.Yep.

Though this looks cool.


Other than that, holidays aren't really THA BOMB. I have a couple of assignments (read: essays) that need to get moving before its due. But on a happy note, am going to meet the clan really soon.

That's it for now.

Who You Really Are

But don’t forget who you really are. And I’m not talking about your so-called real name. All names are made up by someone else, even the one your parents gave you. You know who you really are. When you’re alone at night, looking up at the stars, or maybe lying in your bed in total darkness, you know that nameless person inside you…Your muscles will toughen. So will your heart and soul. That’s necessary for survival. But don’t lose touch with that person deep inside you, or else you won’t really have survived at all.

- Louis Sachar

Can you hear me?

I used to think that teachers, lecturers and educators alike were only people who came into our lives to teach, and do nothing else. However, I was proved wrong by my Primary one (she was with me till primary six. Always checking up on me), three (both of them), four and five teachers (yeah, Primary school life was pretty awesome for me). And not to forget, one of my lecturers in this course that I am attending.

They not only taught me the right from wrong, but strengthened on my values and beliefs, and gave me a whole new picture to expect out of Life. They made me want to be just like them, for the things they do (whether they're proud of it or not) inspire and motivate me. They believed in my dreams and most importantly, believed in me.

They were more than teachers to me. They were able to relate to the things that I was feeling and going through, and could simply read off of me without me having to say a single word. Some may feel that parents are ones who shape up a child, for they are like guardians and pillars of support. These teachers to me, are like the many guardians and pillars of support in my life.


However, unlike parents, teachers aren't there to accompany you as you grow and mature. But the funny thing is, their words will always stay in your head.

Children as Advertisers

As most of you would know, my attachment days for this semester are on Wednesdays. Usually, it would be the most dreaded day as each attachment lasted four to five hours, and for someone like me, that meant hell.


However, something struck me one day as I was making my way for attachment. I figured that I could have been more positive, or at least look at things on a brighter side so that things wouldn't be so awkward for me every Wednesday. So I decided to go with the flow, do my own thing, and try to be as comfortable as possible, and by that, I meant doodling, more doodling, observing, goofing around and making fun of people and things by myself.

Whaaat?

Anyways, just a couple of weeks ago, something interesting happened. I was doing the usual stuff, interacting with the kids, doodling, folding some origami for some of them when one of the students came up to me. I wasn't really paying attention to her, so she waved at me with something in her hands.


Upon taking a closer look, I realized that there were two cards in her hands, literally business cards. She shoved both of them to my face and grabbed a seat beside me to explain that they were her parents'. "If your car is spoilt, you can go find my daddy. But if your spectacle spoil, you can find my mummy".


What I found intriguing about this situation isn't the fact that it proves one of early childhood's researcher's theory right, but rather, the amazement of how such a naive little girl was actually trying to boost business for her parents by advertising for them. And I wasn't the only one who received the cards. Teachers, and other staffs received it as well with the same speech given by the child.


Simply amazing. The once naive, innocent and blur type of child I once was, is totally not evident in this generation.


Sooner or later, kids might even start running agencies to sell houses. Who knows?

A moving story

When it comes to domestic animals, most of us just treat them as well... PETS. However, some of us may not cherish them as much as others as many find it bothersome to train them, clean them, and feed them. Many of us would prefer to throw them/disown them and even send them away, to be euthanized because you simply can't understand them.

But did you know that you mean the world to them?


Pets are one of a kind, because of their undying love and affection, protection and comfort. So would you bear to leave your pet behind?

Oxymorons

To: No one in particular


If the Dark is an oxymoron of Light,
If a Lie is an oxymoron of the Truth,
If War is an oxymoron of Peace,
If Hate is an oxymoron of Love,
Then You must be an oxymoron of Me.

Regrets

Just a week ago, a lady came knocking on my door. My brother, Jason (who was having his dinner) attended to her while I was somewhere around the house (I can't really remember). After awhile, I came out to see the lady walk away from our door with a disgruntled look on her face. I asked Jason what she was selling and he said that it was a really small bag that was charged at $10 for one.

Obviously it was a rip-off, but soon after he was done with his dinner, he actually ran all the way down to buy the bag from her. Before I could say anything, he told me to he knows what I'm thinking; that I wanted to chide him for wasting money as the only reason why he bought the bag because the lady was pretty-looking, but then, he told me the actual reason as to why he bought the bag.

He felt guilty.


What on Earth did she do to him that made him feel guilty?

Well, I soon found out from him that the lady was selling the bags to collect funds for the victims of the recent hurricane and quake victims. How can he not donate and don't feel guilty about it when it is after all, for a good cause?


I wasn't surprised at what Jason did, because after all, he is that kind of person who believes in doing good for others.


There have been many other occasions where he, despite being extremely tired from work, would help out in completing stuff (won't go into the details), constantly repeating that "If I don't help, who will?" or "we are after all a family. What's the point in hating him when everyone else hates him too?".


I guess the last point really makes sense, be it to our family, friends, etc...


How can we hate someone when they are already hated by everyone else. Wouldn't that make us like everyone else too?


I guess you should know where I'm heading this blog entry to, to my classmates of course. I know this is totally not the right way to 'advertise' our class issues, but I'm not literally saying that this is an issue that is only between us classmates. In fact, it's to everyone else that's been judging everyone else.


Do you remember how we always told ourselves to not judge a book by its cover, yet every time we failed to do so? Take Susan Boyle for example. Everyone clearly thought she was a waste of time, but the moment she opened her mouth, she became a star. And it was only after she proved her worth, that we began reminding ourselves to not judge a book by its cover.


That phrase isn't supposed and should never work as a 'reflecting' phrase that we recite only once things are over. We should never judge a book by its cover, that should be a reminder BEFORE we do anything, be it make decisions or pass judgment.


The same goes to our classmates, or friends, or even strangers. Sometimes, we can't help but make them as the butt of our jokes, but how would you feel if you were them?


I'd like to apologize to these people, because I too have been a fool as I thought that I was no where like them, but I was wrong because everyone was judging me too.


But I'd like to salute these people for their undying determination to stay true to themselves.


Come on people, look at yourself. The main reason why you speak like how you do or dress like how you are, like everyone else is because you are afraid of standing out or being weird.

I don't really think anyone's weird here, because we always term these "outcasts" as weird, but face it. Who's the weird one, that have clones of yourself all over the place? Decency doesn't really come from your dressing, but your character, that's what I think.


Okay, I'm not going to pick a fight with anyone. What I'm trying to say is that everyone is unique in their own special way and they should stay true to themselves. No one needs to change or give anyone else an explanation for their trends and character. That's how the way they are, and we should accept them for who they are. You never know the type of shit they've been through to literally judge them.

I guess CDEV class changed my perception of things.


On the other hand, what should change is people's perspective and judgment of other people. Instead of siding the majority, why not pay a little attention to the minors for a minute eh?


I'm not saying I'm been the innocent one throughout because I'm not, but I'm willing to learn to change my perspective.


So here's an apology to these people, and a rock on to them too, for being awesome and staying true to themselves.


And here's an open invitation to everyone. Let's just stop judging and chill out yeah? I'm up for some picnic, games and jumbled group discussions. Now who's with me?


If we just keep hating everyone, nothing's gonna work.



Loves.

The Light Up Shirt

So as usual I was surfing Youtube, and I came across this really cool video of a shirt called the 'T-qualizer'. Just watch it:




There's a lot of different versions on the net right now, but I managed to find the 'actual' webiste, or rather the one that started this really cool trend, and they are called the light up shirt.


And though I like the first video better, the original shirts are pretty neat as well!

Turn-table




The Chiller





But still, there are so many awesome designs!










Now me want some T-qualizer too!


Wouldn't it be great to wear one during lecture? Imagining it moving to the lecturer's voice on the mic. Hilarious and distracting!

Random Updates

Hey what's up. It's been a pretty long time since I last updated. I don't really know who reads this site anymore. But heck, I'm still gonna' keep this blog going because there's just too much good and bad memories in it to literally let it go.


Anyways, if you've been wondering as to what I've been up to during the holidays (yes, I'm a week over the holidays, but who cares?), then here's a pretty short update about my boring Life.


Well, I didn't get a job during the holidays because I told my parents that I wanted to make full use/ waste the entire of my holidays doing stuff on my own, be it rot to death at home or hand out with some friends. They were pretty skeptical about it, but I managed to convince them, adding that I should have full control of my Life, so that when I grow older like them, I wouldn't have to reminisce about my youth with full of regrets, wishing I could turn back time to rot to death or do stuff that I didn't have a chance to do. In short, I just didn't want to force myself into the working scene just yet. I know I'm not rich, but it doesn't necessarily mean I have to make myself addicted to the smell of money or the sensation of having bundles of it in my hand, and then spend it ridiculously on things bought on impulse.


Maybe it's just a lame excuse to not get a job. Moving on...



The holidays weren't really pathetic. I managed to down 8 books (yes, I love to read).

1. Ugly by Constance Briscoe
   
2. Damaged by Cathy Glass
   
3. Ghost Girl by Torey Hayden
4. Please Don't Make Me Go by John Fenton
5. When Daddy Comes Home by Toni Maguire
6. Twilight Children by Torey Hayden
7. My Friend Leonard by James Frey
8. We Are All The Same by Jim Wooten

The contents of these 8 books are phenomenal. There is no one best book to pick out of this lot. You should really get your hands on these books. They can be found in the Health Section in the Singapore Library, Humanities in Page One, Literature/biographies in other shops like Popular, but the best description for these books can be found at Kinokuniya, which labels these books as 'Survival Literature'.



Other than reading, I did meet Syuh and Jeanice occasionally.

One such event was when we visited Swensen's Ice Cream buffet. It was pretty neat, but we didn't last long as we were cold and could not go more than 4 rounds. However, it was still pretty nice to be all crazy and high on sugar with them.

Moving on...


I actually planned on changing my blogskin. My inspiration came from Shark Boy and Lava Girl (I love watching that show).

I loved the idea of the guy dreaming his way out of trouble, and Lava girl's hair (haha!), and so, I came up with this:

It's created entirely from Photoshop. If you take a closer look at my hair, it's PINK! But it's not pink in real life lah, I just edited because it looks pretty nice here.

I found a few other colours that I liked while I was messing around with my hair on Photoshop. I'll show it on another day. Anyways, after completing it, I found that I didn't really like it that much, so I've decided to scrap this off, and come up with another skin which is still under construction.



Well, I guess that's it for now.



Till then!





Loves.

GORE

If you're a fan of blood and gore (well, not really. More like a fan of the aftermath of accidents gone bad), then watch this - Click Here.


If that wasn't bad enough, then watch this:







THEY'RE ALIVE!


NO PAIN?! Hmm....

Random Updates

A couple of weeks ago:

Sleep has left me ever since PPCM paper ended. Somehow, I can't seem to head to bed on time, or early enough to not see the sunrise.

Don't get me wrong, watching the Sun rise is actually beautiful. It gives you a moment to recompose yourself for a whole new day, with new experiences and adventures. It is like an energy restorer; like a breath of fresh air. You've got to experience it for yourself. Breath-taking moment, and nothing can come in second to it. That's why I want my funeral (Click Here to read about my funeral plans) to be held before Sun rise, because it marks a whole new beginning to my Life (or soul) and also because, when I was younger, I thought that Sun rise marked the time for all the wandering souls to head back to where they came from, after watching their loved ones tucked themselves to bed of course. Thus, I want my family and friends to watch over me for the very last Sun rise before I begin my rounds, watching over them (No, I'm not insane, suicidal or being emo.).


After sidetracking so much, back to the bit about the sleepless night. Well, I did try various ways to fall asleep. One of them was to read a book, but I got hooked on to the book (managed to finish 4 books in a week, and unsurprisingly, yelled at by mum because I wasted money buying the books as they'll be chucked in my shelves despite re-reading them) that I'd rather lose sleep to finish up the book (at least it was interesting enough for me to finish reading it).


Since that didn't work, I tried other methods like tuning in to the radio, watching t.v and surfing the net, but every interesting topic that I hear or chance upon, would have me ending up searching more about it through the net. So that didn't work either.


So I ended up every night, or rather dawn, forcing myself to fall asleep by shutting my eyes real tight, day dream or stare out my window (apparently scaring myself to sleep with 'Nenek Keropok' or anything else didn't work either) till I eventually for asleep.


Well, it did work for the first couple of days, but somehow or rather, my body got used to it, so much that I ended up staring blankly till I became hungry. Then out I'd be, in search for food.


The lack of sleep hasn't done much damage to me physically, but it sure has darkened my eye bags (amazingly darker than I'd expect my skin to go, almost rotting black. MEH)


A week ago:

The sleep issues are back. My mum says I'm going blind from all the late night surfing and reading. I think she may be right. Every time I close my eyes or go to sleep, it seems as though bright lights (almost like blinding flash lights) are flashing at(?) my eyes(And no, I wasn't staring at any bright light source whatsoever). In the day, the bright lights would disappear, but there were mini stuffs moving everywhere around me, or at least where my eyes were focusing at(like the heat you see coming from the tarmac on a hot day). Being me, I checked it up on the net, and This kind of had the answers to it, but I don't think I really understand. Heh.



A couple of days ago:

I think it was a day or two before the 'Hungry Ghost Festival' ended. All I could remember was waking up at 3am, to see the door on my wardrobe close by itself.


Now:

Sleep has finally come back to me, but I've been having bad dreams lately. Like last night, I dreamt that my house was on fire. Someone threw something into/something landed at my place and everything started burning up, even Junior. It was so real, I could feel the heat. Perspiration from the heat and panic made it worst as I watched almost charred yet very much alive Junior trying to get the flames off of him. I poured a bucket of water over him and carried his limp body to the bath tub. He looked horrible and I felt nothing but pain.



No one was at home, except him and I (worst combination in the world, if you know me well enough) and Junior. I wasted no time, trying to put out the flames which was everywhere; the curtains; the floor; the ceiling. It was as if my house was covered with kerosene and someone had torched it!


And while I was busy saving the house all he did was ask "What happen?" and "Who did it?", never lifting a finger to help, just the same as he is now in real Life. And despite being in that dream (unreal?) I felt like beating him up. I guess the hatred for him is so great that it can even appear in dreams.


The dream was so real that when I woke up, my body was all tensed and warmer than usual, as though I had been standing under the hot sun. I immediately sprang off of bed to find Junior, only to have him curiously staring at me from the end of my bed. I don't think I've ever hugged anyone or anything as much as I did to Junior immediately after that dream. Poor him, must still be wondering if I'm on drugs or not. But I just hope this never happens. I can't bear to see Junior in that state, EVER.



But this isn't the only dream that I had. I think I'm going crazy soon...




Till then.

The baby who curses

Awkward

Every year, around this time, I feel like a little mouse(it's just an example) that is lost in the huge world. It seems as though this month has estranged me from the world, from people especially. I feel all self-conscious and quiver at the sight of someone trying to fathom my motives whenever I was in a shop.


Okay, so maybe all that was an exaggeration, but I do feel nervous whenever the thought of having to leave home to get stuff invades my mind. Why feel nervous only during this time? Well, in case you guys didn't know, 'this time' actually refers to the fasting month, or rather Ramadhan.


It's uncomfortable whenever the fasting month comes around. You see, I'm not a Muslim nor do I fast, but I do look like one (fortunately or unfortunately. In this case, slightly towards the latter). Don't get me wrong, I'm no racist, nor do I have an issue with the Muslim community or any sort. I just have an issue with all the assuming that going on, and being accused of something that I'm not.


I don't want to sound all negative (and I'm not accusing all Muslims to being judgmental) but I'm really sick and tired of being stared at, as though I'm a spawn of Satan, whenever I go into MacDonald's to buy myself an ice cream sundae.


I bet most of you would go "Aiyah, just eat lah. Care for what... You not Malay, so no need to worry about eating in public".


Well, apparently, that's where you're wrong. When I tried to heed that advice a couple of years ago, I was smacked by an old lady with her umbrella for eating ice cream at a bus-stop. Despite the many attempts to explain that I was not a Muslim, all I got back was a nasty glare by those at the bus stop, and a few curses from the old lady. Being hit for nothing when I'm the innocent party.


And then there were the countless times where annoyed staffs decided to confront or rather interrogate me as to why I'm not fasting and still had the nerve to order food in public. Not only would I get bad service, but they'd also shake their heads as they dismiss my reason as a lame excuse.

I can't eat, drink or buy food whenever it's not time for break fast. I don't intend on hanging my I.C around my neck wherever I go, but I don't think it's fair for people like me to be held back from ordering food just because we look like a Muslim.


Stop assuming and go live your own life.

A.S.A.P

People at my age are often labeled as 'the generation who is much close to technology than to their parents'. But if you take a step close to look, are we really the tech-savvy generation?


Well, some of us may be. It has almost become a normal routine for us to check our Facebook for updates, Twitter for new tweets, gossip blogs, email, and Youtube so much we have to be reminded to eat our meals instead of the other way round. We get the latest information (much faster than the news) and we are definitely one of the first few to begin sharing them. But then, amidst this tech-savvy generation, lie a few hidden souls and I am one of them.


What exactly am I saying? Well, I am one of the very few in this generation that know nuts about technology. And of all the types of gadgets that I've been dealing with, the simple SMS or text messaging is my one true nemesis. Now it may seem simple to you, but the simple SMS or text messaging from my friends can sometimes leave me in a state of bewilderment.


I am rather 'old-fashion' when it comes to text messaging and would prefer to ignore a text full of short forms than to reply it.


I knew that short forms were becoming 'cool', and never had it cross my mind that I'll need it during lectures (lecturer talk so fast, write one word, she finish lecture already man... but keep writing short form then later don't know how to spell properly), but still I choose to write in full complete words rather than cut them down.


But all this isn't really about whether to make it short form or complete. Over the years, I've come to realize that the short forms are getting even shorter! It seems as though it has become some Da Vinci Code now. Insane!





Anyways, check out this video. Apparently, I'm not the only one who's messed up about text messaging!








A.S.A.P = Ah ma Say Ask ah Pa


I think my mum is going to start using that now!


Till then

To those who publish their quizzes on Facebook

We all know how popular Facebook is. It not only allows us to connect with our long lost friends, but it also allows my Dad and the entire family generation to add me so that they can check on me and the kind of language or topics that I share on Facebook.

However, Facebook has become more popular for its quizzes. When I realized that there was an ongoing trend of people flooding my homepage with results from quizzes, I gave up.


No one really cares how hot you are, how long your penis should be or how sexy you are. It's this people who gladly post their results, that need assurance of how sexy/hot you are because you already knew that you were not hot/sexy in the first place. Technology screwed your mind BADLY...

No one also cares if your soulmate starts with M or J or S. I bet you redid the quiz over and over again to get the results you wanted just so that you could prove to people that you and Michael/Jane/Stupid are SO PERFECT to be together forever and ever.


And no one really cares if you have 1% chance or whatever percentage to date the girls/guys from some Korean band, or even Megan Fox. Reality check, it just shows how desperate you are, and how you can rank yourself in a higher status than your friends who got worst results. That's just lame.


Lastly, to those who uses the "All my friends" application and even take the hassle to tag every friend involved. Please stop. I don't give a shit if the computer thinks I'm poor, ugly or agreeable. Stop playing God for a minute and come back to Earth. No one cares of what you think or what that stupid application 'classify' me as, unless your friends are just like you.


What do I mean by 'just like you'. Well, if you're one of them who has been flooding your friends' Facebook news feed and honestly think that it's no harm, then you're wrong. What's bad is that you don't even realize that the reason why you're doing all these in the first place is to prove something to everyone else. But seriously, no one's bothered.

Catherine Tate!

Sungha Jung

I love Youtube and I don't think I can ever get enough of it. An IT project got me to sign up as a user and since then, I've been subscribing to channels after channels after channels (you should get what I mean by now).


And one of the most recent channel that I've subscribed to, is by a 13 year old Korean teenagers, who uploads videos of himself while performing songs using 'Fingerstyle'.


Sungha Jung never seems to utter a single word in his videos yet with his acoustic guitar, he is able to make the songs come to life with the quick yet smooth rhythm of his fingers that simple shows how effortless he does it.


I bet you have no idea as to what I just said, so just take a look at these videos and you'll see why I'm amazed at his talents.


Two of my favourites:

Hotel California - Eagles

More Than Words - Extreme

What's so special about 'Fingerstyle' (to me) is that it allows the person to play the entire song, including the part that is usually sung. It also makes it seem as though 2 or 3 persons are strumming the guitar when in fact, it is only him alone. It is no easy task in learning the 'Fingerstyle' technique but you can Click Here to enter Ulli Boegershausen's channel as he had a tab of uploaded videos that teach the basics of 'Fingerstyle'. I've seen some of his videos as well, and he's just as awesome as Sungha Jung.

Two of my favourites:

Besame Mucho

One of Us

Or you can Click Here to get to Sungha Jung's channel to watch more of his videos!

Now I wanna' learn to play the guitar too!



Till then

Random Update

I can't seem to find the 'brain blast' to continue with all the posts that I have saved in my drafts. The past few days of holidays have been pretty boring as I haven't find the right 'momentum' to pace all the activities that I've planned. The weather doesn't really seem well enough for a good time under the sun, but it sure gives my 'kite flying' and 'cooping up in bed to read' activities a chance.



Yesterday was pretty much the highlights for the past week. Most of us weren't really 'feeling' it for Teacher's Day, but I managed to meet up with the clan and Leonard (apologies to Aainaa and gang for leaving them half way) and we did nothing but talk about our pasts. Three words: Disgusting, Sadistic, Hilarious. I'll elaborate more if I'm in the right mind.




Other than that, I haven't really been doing much. No cancel that. Been thinking of a lot of things lately. Rachael thinks I've gone emo, my mum thinks I need help or at least to find something to get my mind off all these thinking and I think I just need to sink deep for awhile before continuing Life.




What the heck am I talking about? I don't really know either. Everything's jumbled up and I'm still in search for the answer.




Till then.

Observations

The 10th of August had marked the end of a 4 month experiment that I had carried out. An experiment so deadly that it could cost me my status or even Life. Okay, maybe not to that extreme.

So what the heck am I talking about? Well, as I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I made a wish to carry out an experiment for four months (why four? No idea either, it just happened to pop into my head at that moment).

The experiment was something simple, yet required a whole lot out of me.



So what was this simple confidential experiment? I simply gave myself the task to observe.

Friends (especially Shera) often find it distracting to talk to me because I'm rarely looking at her most of the time. Instead, my eyes would be wandering about, looking at the people, things or environment around her. She once mentioned that she picked up my 'style' of observing people and could soon tell if I was really paying attention or not. However, she often end up turning around to look at what I'm looking before continuing her 'story'. We'd end up giggling at something else or because we forgot what we were talking about.

There were also friends (like Syuh) who wouldn't mind spending hours with me, sitting and then side tracking by look or rather, observing the things around us.

Don't get me wrong, I love listening to people. But it's seldom the conversation that I pay close attention to. Sometimes, I can't help but to observe the person's body language, style of speaking and every other thing of that person. My attention would not even be on the person, but someone or something else. That was how easily distracted I could be.

It may seem weird, but it has become a habit to me. I love observing things around me and I felt that it was going to be a tough journey for me in Poly, and so on that very night of my birthday, I wished to carry out the experiment in a whole new environment.

The task was very simple. All I had to do was to shut my trap and pay more close attention to the environment around me. I was serious about this experiment and tried my best to keep quiet and act blur/lost when people badmouthed me or even dissed me to my face.

The outcome of this experiment?

I got to really see who were the real assholes around me. When you silently watch someone, his/her motives and intentions become so clear to you that would've hit yourself in the head for being that blind in the first place, and I wasn't only talking about class/school mates, but rather, everyone around me whether they were strangers or not.

During these four months:

I got to see the beauty and the ugly side of our society (not trying to be political or anything).

I realized that if I took the train to Jurong East every Wednesday, I would bump (not literally) into this lady that always seems to enter the same cabin as the other times that she boarded the train.

I bumped (again not literally) or could bump into Terrence Kian when I took the train back after my Field Practicum Attachment.

I've seen this well dressed man with huge Indian, gorgeous brown eyes for at least 1 dozen times in Bus 61.

I'm disappointed to see that elderly were giving up their seats for other people, while the youngsters still continued to 'pretend to sleep' or simply ignore the fact that everyone was staring at them.

I blew bubbles out of my window and watched the rain burst them one by one.

I noticed that everyone moves to the other side of the train upon entering the cabin, rather than moving to the center as mentioned by whoever-that-person-is on the speakers.

I noticed that every working person looked gloomy, while girls were giggly, and guys were drowned by their head banging music when in the train.

I watched how insane or rather, 'kiasu' people were when boarding the train/bus. Gone were the days when we lined up and gave way to those in line. Now, everyone pushes each other, and some even had the cheek to cut the line, pretend that nothing happened, only to laugh it off with their friends later. Pffft...

I managed to strike random conversations with people (Mr. Patrick being one of them).

I watched how a group of adolescence sneak in their drinks in the train, and happily drink away, despite the stares from the crowd.

I've just had enough with idiots who lean on the grab poles in the MRT.

I received comments that majority of my classmates thought that I was scary. Maybe I still am.

I noticed an inch of nose hair sticking out of this man that was standing right infront of me in a packed train. It was disturbing but soon became revolting when he lifted his sweaty, hairy armpit (he was wearing a sleeveless top) grab the handle bar above my head, thus exposing it directly to my face.

I was stuck in a train with an elderly man whom I thinked soiled himself. It was really rude for the other passengers to begin pinching their noses, fanning themselves, and to the extreme, some even sprayed their perfumes in the train, just to show how intolerable the smell was.

I realized that my mother can pick a fight with anyone, anywhere, any time. I was in the train with her and she confronted and even lectured about 4 inconsiderate people (the irritating twit type, the one with huge prams and block the way, not willing to fold their prams even though it was empty, the type that swings their hair about, not caring who's beside or behind them, etc... You get my drift?). She even went up to a saleswoman with a bag without the pricetag and said this "Hello, is this free? There isn't a pricetag on it, so I thought it must be free. Is it free then?". Such hilarious sarcasm.

I noticed that people stare at you and look away nervously when you catch their stare. But if you were to smile at them, they would actually smile back.

It became obvious to me that many were talking about me. It wouldn't be that obvious if you didn't keep pointing to your chin, or literally bend yourself to a side to look at my tattoo.

I found out that people still do judge by first impressions and it's really hard to have them kick it aside. Therefore, I have made more enemies with my looks than ever. And the funny thing was, I never said a word.

I noticed that hummingbirds do visit my mum's plants by the corridor to get the nectar.

I noted that the 'charcoal train' comes by Admiralty station between 3.20 to 4.00am.

I've squished on the wet grass after a heavy downpour and felt the difference when it was a sunny day. People stared at me, but it felt good to squish about barefooted.

I realized that my dog Junior isn't only afraid of thunders, but every other sudden loud noise.

I also found out how the beads on my bag had gone missing, and where Junior always took my soft toys to.


I found out that assholes get really high in the head when you simply nod to their 'commands' rahter than voice your opinions. They then begin bullying you by pushing the entire workload to you. This observation was an exception because I had to make a move or be doomed as a slave. When confronted and showed my 'garang-ness', people like this either 'apologise' and say that they weren't aware, or they simply say that I should've voiced it out in the first place. So people, NEVER STAY SILENT especially when it comes to workload.


I also found out that there are assholes out there who treat you like trash, badmouthing you and even treating you like an invisible object because they think that you're afraid of them, thus keeping quiet to yourself.

But I also found out that there are also really helpful people who volunteer to help you out when they see that you're all quiet. They feel that you're lost and don't want to trouble anyone, and feel that it is only right for them to help you out.


I realized that behaviour, character, habits and thoughts can be influenced. What do I mean by that? Just take this time to reflect on someone that is close to you. I bet she/he influenced you to listen to her/his type of music. You also begin imitating unconsciously, the habits of that particular person, be it the way she/he types, speaks, etc... And I'm pretty sure you share more than one common interest with that person.



Lastly, I realized that the world isn't really about me anymore.



Till then.

Random Update

Words cannot describe how pleased I was upon seeing the tags on both Facebook and my tagboard. The post was not a means to gain sympathy, or tell you how depressed I was, but rather, to motivate you guys, my friends in your journey in Life.

The post wasn't about volleyball, it was actually leading more towards moving on fro every other failure, setback and catastrophe if you wish to exaggerate.

It took a stranger to show me how much low self esteem I had.
It took a stranger to show how people cared.
It took a stranger to show me how much I needed to love myself.
It took a stranger to show me how much I needed to prove my worth.

However, I wish to thank you my friends. It was you guys who gave me your undying support. I'm no celebrity or famous sportsman, yet you guys took the time just to tell me that I was good enough, that I was no loser. Such power, such drive that you guys gave me cannot be put into words, it's like a flow of energy that simply pushes you to want more out of life. And it's all thanks to you guys.

Despite the encouragement from you guys (which I honestly appreciate), there won't be a happy ending for volleyball. I have decided to end my career as a sportswoman (yes, that means for all form of sports). There is no specific reason though, just a desire to not be involved in sports. I don't know if I'll survive, but I'm still going strong. As what Nat said, I'll find new areas to shine!



Putting those stuff aside, here are two videos just for laughs...













Till then!

Dedicated to Everyone - How a complete stranger made my day

I was feeling really down after the match against Singapore Polytechnic, which drove me nearer to the decision of quitting. It was no use shedding tears, but to tell you the truth, I was feeling like a total bullshit. It wasn't the situation of who was better or worst, but rather, a situation where my self esteem was being tested. Thoughts and emotions actually got the better of me.

I decided lose myself, drowning my sorrow by plugging in to my phone with a playlist to sooth my nerves.

"The bus journey to home would be about an hour. I'll be fine by then". Well, that was what I thought. However, the more I 'zoned out', the more I reflected on my thoughts and actions. I couldn't help but to replay every single thing that I had been doing.

Am I being selfish? Am I having too much confidence and pride that a simple thing like this cause me to be so affected? Am I being too sensitive?

I was so engrossed in my thoughts that it actually took a few taps on the shoulder to realize that someone was trying to strike a conversation with me. He was an elderly man, who was seated behind me.

"Are you a player from the National Team?" He must have mistook my red and white jersey as a representation from the national team.

I kindly explained that I was not from the national team, but rather, was representing my school in a competition.

He then mentioned that I looked really much like a national player, which was indeed a very flattering comment for me. He asked what sports I was representing and I told him that I was in volleyball.

By now, he had shifted from his place to beside me. At first, I was uncomfortable as I was moody and wanted really much to be on my own. However, I did not want to be rude and the conversation went on. Needless to say, the amount of stares we got from others was indeed revolting; you could tell from their expression that they say me as some "The molested victim" while Patrick was some "cheekopek" since he sat with his arms behind me, and kept leaning in whenever I spoke.

He introduced himself as Patrick while I introduced myself as Kat. He then went on, telling me of how he used to be a National Hockey player in the early 1980s. Being oblivious to his state, I asked him why he stopped playing. He then explained that the only reason that had stopped him was Stroke. I then realized that he limped, using a cane to aid him.

It was devastating news to him as he loved hockey not only as a sport, but as a passion as he was proud to be representing his country. He then said "But it's really hard these days. Singapore has no choice but to import talent as they stand no chance against the other countries. Back then, it was about the passion for the game, and the love for the country. But these days, it's all about money. Last time when someone broke your leg, you'd say its okay because you'll break his in the next round. But right now, if someone were to break your leg, all you'd think would be to get claims". It was an intriguing statement, but it showed how true it was. We are money minded.

We then exchanged views about the Olympic games. By then, I was feeling much better as this took my mind off the matters mentioned earlier. Patrick then mentioned of his admiration for volleyball players, for their strength, stamina and being game smart. He told me of the countless times where he and his team had to do weights, tracks and so on just to keep fit. He said he loved how volleyball players could exert so much power into their spikes. It wasn't only about the dives, spikes, receiving, but also the team spirit and strength as a team. He was curious about the difference between beach and indoor volleyball, so I explained of the settings, rules and so on. He was even more impressed and said that not only did he learn something new, but he also has a stronger admiration for them.

Seeing that he was such of fan of sports, and being a sportsman himself, I couldn't help but ask whether the tradition of hockey or any form of sports was being 'passed on' in the family. Disappointment on his face, he took out his wallet to show me a picture of his only daughter. "She doesn't like sports. It's really a waste. Sometimes, I dislike going home to a place that doesn't share the same passion and interest as me. That's why I've cut back on watching all the Olympic games". It was indeed a waste as stroke had taken his passion away from him and there wasn't anyone to continue his dream for me. And at that very moment, he patted on me on my back as he said that "I'd wish I had a daughter like you. You are active. I wouldn't mind my child to come home as late as this for the sake of sports. Children these days are so pampered and only want to use computers, that they'd rather be cooped up at home than to enjoy hands-on experiences like sports". I was beaming with delight. This man sure knows how to leave my heart tingling!

The bus journey wit him seemed a whole lot shorter. When it was finally time to alight, he took my hand with both hands, and said that he had a splendid time chatting with me. I too thanked him and before I rushed off to take another bus, he patted me on the shoulders again and said: "I hope to see you on TV soon".

This day was one of the worst days of my life initially. However, all thanks to Patrick, he lightened my day and made it one of my best. It was about how long the conversation was, or how loud he was, but it was actually what he said and did that brightened my day. He was a complete stranger and yet to acknowledged my existence. And even though he did not know how good or bad I was in character and skills, he praised me for at least picking up a sport and even encouraged me to work hard enough to make it on TV.

Thus, this is dedicated to all of my friends, especially to those who feel that they are being treated as invisible or worthless. You don't need a friend or family member to tell you how good you are. You just need to know. And for me, it took a complete stranger to tell me to not give up, in everything I did. No journey is too tough for us.

I am sure that there is a Mr. Patrick out there for everyone. If a complete stranger believes in you, I don't see why you shouldn't have faith in yourself. So dare to dream big my friends.

Random Update

Future John Mayer!



Adorable, the type that I really wanna' kidnap and keep him to myself!



And another video that just makes you smile in amazement. It's not because they're gay or anything like that. It's just amazing to see how 1500 of them can actually gather together to dance to this song, and make it seem almost perfect. Their enthusiasm and seriousness is worth commenting for.


Enjoy!

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

I'm actually hooked onto this song.

Slow Dancing In A Burning Room - John Mayer


It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go cry about it - why don't you?

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room.

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?


You don't have to be in or out of love to like a song like this. Just in case you're wondering!