An apology

Dear you,

I just wanted to say... I'm sorry.

For all the trouble that I put you through. For the nights that we fought over unnecessary topics. For all the hurtful words that I hurled at you. For all the selfish stunts that I pulled on you. For not understanding you well enough. For all the unhappiness I caused. For wanting to give up. For being such a jerk.

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made

I am amazed at how far we have gotten in this friendship despite the shit that I have put you through. No one deserves to go through all that stuff, not even you. I know that it is my fault and I know that it is a little too late, but I wish I could go back in time to take away all those memories.

At the start of the friendship, my main goal was to help you feel comfortable with yourself. To let you feel loved and supported, and to see the world through the eyes of another person. However, overtime, I realized that I was doing it all wrong. A friendship was not about changing a person, but rather accepting the person for who he is. But if I was struggling to come to terms with who I was, how was it going to be possible for me to accept others?

For a period of time, I hated myself a whole lot because I was offering you all the support and advice yet I was not even listening to myself. It was as though I was putting on a façade and I was so sick and tired of myself. I realized that it was not a game, and I was in no position to mould or influence you into becoming someone else because I was not any better. I had a ton of insecurities and as I struggled to live my life, the frustrations, pressures and hatred for life just began building up in me, and just when I was about to explode, you got in the way. And for that, I’m sorry.

There may not be much positive memories to this friendship because of the things that I have said and done, but one thing for sure is that you have taught me a whole lot about myself. I was so used to being independent and getting things done my way that I often failed to realize how my actions and words affected the people around me. Again, I’m sorry. You also taught me about perseverance and patience, and forgiveness and as I look back at this friendship, I realized that you were helping me more than I did. Mostly importantly, this friendship and you, reminded me of how much I missed being a kid again.

Truth is, I am envious of you. You've got the looks, the intelligence, the ability to pull anything off, and you've got people who love you and want nothing but the best for you. I just wish you could see all of this for yourself.

"All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and I promise you something great will come out of it"

I don't know what is going to happen in 2012, but I am pretty sure that we will start moving on with our own lives. As such, I'd just want to thank you for being a part of my life in 2011. It was life-changing :)

Skepticism

Just had a four hour long chat with a really good friend of mine from the Philippines. I got to know him during my school’s Youth Expedition Trip in March, and till this day, we’ve been keeping in contact with each other via Facebook.

Words cannot describe how amazing this kid is. Throughout the entire YEP trip, he was the one who taught me so much about life, even though he is just thirteen. They say age is just another number, and I can’t help but to agree. This 13 year old has so much gusto in him, that it makes me ashamed of myself. See, this kid is openly gay and even though he always got bullied for being small-sized and into make-up, beauty pageants and ballet, he never once gave up on himself. He once told me “I am not like paper, I won’t crumple easily. And why should I try to be like others? I’ll just be another clone”. He is just 13, and yet his words of wisdom stayed with me. 

Even after I came back to Singapore, I always wondered how he was doing, and it was during this 4 hour conversation that he informed me of his successful progress as a danseur, and a pageant ‘king’. I can never be any prouder for him. But I always wondered…

How is a 13 so confident, and sure of himself and his future, while I a 19 year old, am still stuck in my own little bubble? I can’t help but wonder what it is like to be in his shoes, and where he got all the courage and optimism from. I wonder when it would be my turn to fully understand myself and where I am heading in life.

I sure could use some help right about now…

Happy Father's Day!

HAPPY FATHERS' DAY!

Dear dad,

            I know that I may not be the nicest child on Earth, and that some of the decisions I make, and the actions I do in life disappoint you. I confess, sometimes, I do these things just so that I can get back at you; for the things that happened then, for the past. However, I realized overtime, that all this is getting me nowhere, and I am through with fighting against you. I used to have so much hatred in me, but I learned that this wrath that I built inside of me is the reason why I am being held back in life.

            I see the effort that you put in to amend things, but I was so childish that I kept digging up the past, being really hot-tempered and stubborn, not willing to forgive or let go. However, this time, I am willing to change. I may not be the cleanest dish in the sink, but I want you to know that from this day on, I want to make you proud; make the family proud of me. I am tired of living of in other people’s shadows, and I am tired of always being the destroyer. I want to let bygones be bygones.

I am sorry that I never considered your feelings.

Your huge and callous hands may not be the comfort that I seek, but these guiding hands were the ones that taught me how to swim, cycle, catch fish, and they also instilled values that I still practice till this very day. I remember of all the hiking and fishing trips, and outdoor adventures that made up a major part of my childhood. I learned so much from those trips, of the general knowledge and skills that I believe not other child had. 

 

Sometimes I wish we could go back to the past.

Nevertheless, I appreciate all the things you and mum have done for me. Because without the both of you, I would not be who I am today, let alone existing. The both of you are the only ones who have watched me grow; from a small young girl into a (big. HAHAHA) independent woman and I hope that my growth and decisions from now on will enable you to be proud of me.

Love,

Kethlyn

Friendship

A personal piece that I really had to get off of my chest.

What does the word 'Friendship' mean to you?

When I think about Friendship, the image of two people renting a room together, kicking back on the sofa, eating from a tub of ice cream while crying over a sappy love story comes to mind. Now it might seem pretty far-fetched, but just from this scenario, I can identify my elements of friendship; trust, comfort, support, reliance, happy, vulnerable, open, pure, real, truthful, and emotional.

I always thought that Friendship was a two-way passage, where two individuals were interconnected based on their thoughts, experiences, emotions and actions. However, I failed to realize that everyone has their own interpretations and the experiences that I had gone through lately have widened my perspective to this term.

The reason why I am writing this post is not really because I am confused with the term, but rather, I am confused with my role as a friend. I used to think that as a friend, it meant that one should be a pillar of support, to offer advice to lighten the burden, to be emotionally available just so that one's friend is comfortable in being vulnerable right in front of one, but at the same time, having a sense of security and comfort from the support one is giving. I always thought I was doing the right thing, but it took one incident to make me realize that I wasn't afterall.

I was definitely upset when that person said that he felt like a lab rat, under one of my psychological experiments whereby I run tests to see which advice is the most effective. I was not expecting such a response because I never treated any friendship as a form of experiment. I know that people do interpret one's actions differently, but I never expected whatever that I have done, to cause such a major setback. I did not understand why he felt that way because I always thought that offering advice would be enlightening, but then again, I realized; who was I to offer advice, when I was just another teenager? 

It then made me question my role as a friend, to everyone else in my life. Do the rest feel the same way too? Do they feel oppressed by my suggestions? I wondered to myself, on whether I was being a good friend. If I were in their shoes, I would have definitely hated myself, because sometimes, people just want someone to sit and listen, and not say anything. I on the other hand, was so caught up with trying to make the world a better place, that I forgot how to be a friend.

There may or may not be a solution to this, but no matter what, I hope my friends do feel  my love and appreciation. They are the reason why I am who I am today, because their life story, their beliefs, our experiences, and our conversations shape up my life. And as much as I thankful for their presence in my life, I never want to feel neglected, used or unappreciated.

I hope this change is good.

To the ones I think about daily

Hello you.

If you're reading this, that means you've been trying to keep track with my life, and I do appreciate that. I have been thinking about you too, yes, every single one of you.

I know that I haven't been around for any of you guys for this past year, and I guess I haven't had any good reasons other than "I'm busy". I know it is the worst and lamest excuse, but hear me out okay?


School Life hasn't been the best for me and it's been pretty hard settling down too. I'm still not used to the class time slots, and most definitely the assignments that are back to back (till now, assignments are still up my ass). Truth is, I'm still not used to any of this.


But I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to those whom I haven't met in a long while.
I'm sorry to those whom I've met empty promises too, often telling them that we'll meet up soon but we never do.
I'm sorry to those whom I've left hanging in MSN conversations.
I'm sorry to those whom I've not spend enough time with.
I'm sorry to those who only get earful of my problems but get no attention in return.
I'm sorry to those whose meet-ups I've canceled time and again.

I'm sorry.



Believe me when I say that I feel disgusted and disappointed with myself. I feel guilty and the fear of losing you guys haunts me every single day.


Losing you guys is pretty much like losing pieces of me.


But I just want you to know that I do care about you guys and though I may not be physically present or available, I'm always rooting for you guys in my heart, and as the saying goes, I'm always a call away.


Okay, enough of the mushy-ness.




Kthxbye.

Can you hear me?

I used to think that teachers, lecturers and educators alike were only people who came into our lives to teach, and do nothing else. However, I was proved wrong by my Primary one (she was with me till primary six. Always checking up on me), three (both of them), four and five teachers (yeah, Primary school life was pretty awesome for me). And not to forget, one of my lecturers in this course that I am attending.

They not only taught me the right from wrong, but strengthened on my values and beliefs, and gave me a whole new picture to expect out of Life. They made me want to be just like them, for the things they do (whether they're proud of it or not) inspire and motivate me. They believed in my dreams and most importantly, believed in me.

They were more than teachers to me. They were able to relate to the things that I was feeling and going through, and could simply read off of me without me having to say a single word. Some may feel that parents are ones who shape up a child, for they are like guardians and pillars of support. These teachers to me, are like the many guardians and pillars of support in my life.


However, unlike parents, teachers aren't there to accompany you as you grow and mature. But the funny thing is, their words will always stay in your head.

Children as Advertisers

As most of you would know, my attachment days for this semester are on Wednesdays. Usually, it would be the most dreaded day as each attachment lasted four to five hours, and for someone like me, that meant hell.


However, something struck me one day as I was making my way for attachment. I figured that I could have been more positive, or at least look at things on a brighter side so that things wouldn't be so awkward for me every Wednesday. So I decided to go with the flow, do my own thing, and try to be as comfortable as possible, and by that, I meant doodling, more doodling, observing, goofing around and making fun of people and things by myself.

Whaaat?

Anyways, just a couple of weeks ago, something interesting happened. I was doing the usual stuff, interacting with the kids, doodling, folding some origami for some of them when one of the students came up to me. I wasn't really paying attention to her, so she waved at me with something in her hands.


Upon taking a closer look, I realized that there were two cards in her hands, literally business cards. She shoved both of them to my face and grabbed a seat beside me to explain that they were her parents'. "If your car is spoilt, you can go find my daddy. But if your spectacle spoil, you can find my mummy".


What I found intriguing about this situation isn't the fact that it proves one of early childhood's researcher's theory right, but rather, the amazement of how such a naive little girl was actually trying to boost business for her parents by advertising for them. And I wasn't the only one who received the cards. Teachers, and other staffs received it as well with the same speech given by the child.


Simply amazing. The once naive, innocent and blur type of child I once was, is totally not evident in this generation.


Sooner or later, kids might even start running agencies to sell houses. Who knows?