This is a story of a
girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world.
With the mentality
of a fresh graduate, I was adamant about setting sail into the seven
seas, exploring and paving way through the tortuous journey that
awaited me. In simpler terms, as a fresh graduate, I HAD to enroll
myself into a university, because where would I be if not studying?
Thus, the countless nights churning back-breaking essays began. It
was both thrilling and exhausting as ideas after ideas started
pouring in in the middle of the night. Possessed by the perfectionist
in me, I ran drafts after drafts just so that the essays sounded
perfect in my head. I was never satisfied, but when the datelines
were up, I had no choice but to let go. Then came the nerve-wrecking waiting game for the
replies to begin rolling in.
“What a waste” they said, when I
rejected the NIE offer.
“You're making a mistake” they said
when I rejected the NUS offer.
“You're going to regret this” they
said when I rejected the SgIS offer.
“This isn't a game” they said when
I rejected the Manchester offer.
Unbeknownst to anyone, I accepted
an offer but decided to take a gap year instead.
“I need to find out who I
am, and if this is what I really want” I promised myself.
When I first
announced my gap year decision, it was a huge sigh of relief to
everyone, because let's face it, education is not cheap and working
equates to an increase in digits in the bank account. Taking the gap
year was surprisingly the best decision that I have ever made in my
life, and I most definitely feel that I have developed both
professionally and personally. Of course, there was the drastic
change of getting dreadlocks but it beats the smurf blue hair before
that!
The one year came
and left really quickly. It might be because I was mostly working in
jobs that required strenuous effort (no I was not in a wrestling team). A
high-functioning environment like a school sure leaves one deadbeat
at the end of the day, every day. That was not the point though. The
point was that it was now time to decide what would lie
ahead in my life. Truth to be told, I never thought twice about it.
Education was the way to go. The best bit was that I was holding an
offer to my favorite program, in my favorite university. What could
be better than that?!
Fast forward to a
month before starting the school term, and it hit me all of a sudden;
education sure is expensive. So how exactly am I supposed to fund my $20,000 (yearly) school fees and $1,600 (a month!) accommodation, let alone everything else, all by myself?
If you know me well
enough, you would know that I am a risk taker, and trust me, taking a
risk in this case meant flying over with all that I had and
figure things out when I'm there. That was actually the plan, but I
would not be typing this now if I did follow through with it. So what
stopped me? Everything else.
Loan delay. Visa
delay. School User ID error. Debt summon. Laptop breaking into pieces (literally). Spoilt
hard disk reader. One after the other. Devastation after devastation. Night after night. It was so bad to the extent that I lost touch with the world for a while. I was so consumed with overcoming these problems that my mind was basically, filled with them. Every waking minute was spent thinking and going through the mental process of tackling each and every problem. Night turned to day and day turned to night. I lost sleep, appetite and almost my sanity. In a sadistic way, I was having a good mind-boggling time solving my puzzles, but deep-down, it felt as if I was being shredded into pieces.
With the problems sliding in one after the other, and snowballing into a huge mass of destruction, one might assume that I am the female epitome of "bad luck Brian". There were many occasions where I too believed in that thought, and trust me... It did not feel good at all.
Fortunately, whenever I was this close to breaking down and giving up, a miracle happened. To be honest, there was more than one miracle, even right up to the day where I decided 'enough was enough'. It sucked to know that everything only became alright on the day that I gave up. I was bummed, and am still bummed over it. Why couldn't everything go smoothly BEFORE that? Is it that hard for me to want something better in my life? Is my life really such a joke?!
I remembered breaking down on many nights, and on one night in particular, I told my mum "I feel like a failure". I "fought" hard for a year, "fought" hard for my dream and just when I was about to reach the finishing line, I had no choice but to pull out of the race. You guys have no idea how close I was to tasting the finishing line. Unfortunately, I was not victorious (yes it is from Command&Conquer).
While I brood over the spilled milk, I am convincing myself that there are better things out there that is awaiting me. I have always believed that “good things come to those who wait”. I did struggle and “fight” for what was mine, but I figured that if I were to be spending the rest of my undergraduate years “fighting” in every other way, then it would not be worth my time and effort because my studies would be neglected (see how I'm rechanneling my thoughts in order to convince myself to feel differently? It's a skill I picked up while reading on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, in Kinokuniya last week. Hahaha!)
I was not going to win this game.
With the problems sliding in one after the other, and snowballing into a huge mass of destruction, one might assume that I am the female epitome of "bad luck Brian". There were many occasions where I too believed in that thought, and trust me... It did not feel good at all.
Fortunately, whenever I was this close to breaking down and giving up, a miracle happened. To be honest, there was more than one miracle, even right up to the day where I decided 'enough was enough'. It sucked to know that everything only became alright on the day that I gave up. I was bummed, and am still bummed over it. Why couldn't everything go smoothly BEFORE that? Is it that hard for me to want something better in my life? Is my life really such a joke?!
I remembered breaking down on many nights, and on one night in particular, I told my mum "I feel like a failure". I "fought" hard for a year, "fought" hard for my dream and just when I was about to reach the finishing line, I had no choice but to pull out of the race. You guys have no idea how close I was to tasting the finishing line. Unfortunately, I was not victorious (yes it is from Command&Conquer).
While I brood over the spilled milk, I am convincing myself that there are better things out there that is awaiting me. I have always believed that “good things come to those who wait”. I did struggle and “fight” for what was mine, but I figured that if I were to be spending the rest of my undergraduate years “fighting” in every other way, then it would not be worth my time and effort because my studies would be neglected (see how I'm rechanneling my thoughts in order to convince myself to feel differently? It's a skill I picked up while reading on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, in Kinokuniya last week. Hahaha!)
To many, this is probably karma
getting back at me because “beggars can't be choosers”. I should
have gone with the first few options. Things would have been so much
more easier. However, that is not how I plan to live my life. I am stubborn and I do not want an easy way out. Life would be a meaningless adventure if I was spoon-fed. I also believe that I can get what I want. It is just a matter of time. Time? Two years. That's my goal.
On another note... To those who know how emotionally
unstable I am, this writing is a reassurance to you that I am coping. There were times when I thought that life would be so much easier if I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but let's face reality. I am not born with one, and I'm sure I'm not going to turn into a millionaire any time soon. That aside, who is to blame for this mess? Well... The blame is on me, and no one else. It was my decision, my call, my response. I am not going to play the blame game. At times, we are so used to playing the blame game that it ends up being the name game every time something screws up. "It's her fault, if only she..." or "It's his fault. He could have..." Not this time. This one's all mine.
Till then.
If you're still breathing, you're the lucky one. 'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs~
