As you stand by the edge where the surf washes ashore, you become hypnotized by the alluring waves that come crashing against your feet. You stand rooted in one spot, still very much focused on the songs of the sea. The ocean's arms caress you so gently and beg you to become one with the sand. You wriggle your toes and your feet sink into the warmth and grittiness of the sand's touch. The waves knock you off balance every once in a while, but you have gotten the hang of it and with every wave that comes your way, you heave your shoulders, stiffen your body and inhale deeply. You feel anchored.

     That was how I set out to feel, but this is entirely the opposite of how I am feeling this week. Of course, it might be too early to sum up my week since it is only Monday, but so much has happened in this one day that I feel hopeless, guilty even...

2012

Every year, on this very day, at around this time, I close my eyes. I close my eyes and I take a deep breath and as I do so, I open up my mind and heart as all the memories for the past year flash before me. Just like any other year, 2011 was a tortuous journey; a battled filled with ups and downs, joy and sadness, tears and laughter. There were countless of times when I wished that I could turn back, to take back the days that never happened, devastating tragedies and meaningless afternoons that I let pass, opportunities that I missed. But  most importantly, I wished that I could to turn back time to relive the glorious moments that can never occur again. 

It was in this year that I decided to live without regrets, living life day by day so that every second that I invested in something or someone, was made meaningful. This was also the year that I promised myself that I would find happiness, and even though I am still at a loss of what I want in my life, I found a better person in me. To many, it might seem like a small issue, but to me, it is one heck of a glorious victory for this year. Not only have I experienced a myriad of emotions and everything in between, but I also was given the opportunity to meet wonderful people who have changed and shaped my life positively, and they are the ones reading this right now.

I am grateful for all that I have, and I am pretty sure that I will be welcoming 2012 as a better person that I am today. I hope that 2011 was as life-changing for you, as it was for me. Let's make 2012 our year :)

Celebrating the Dead

I used to think nothing of death. Heck, I was so comfortable with the idea of leaving this Earth, that I messed with the elements of death, all the time. I mean what kind of sixteen year old plans her own funeral and posts it on her blog on her sixteenth birthday? Well, that teenager was me.

I never really gave much thought about death because too many people had left me even before I learned how to pronounce their names. I was just too young and I didn’t know how to feel whenever death came knocking on our doors.

However, as I grew older, I realized that I would tell my friends that death should be in a form of celebration of that person’s existence. Afterall, death is nothing but a transition of existence from one state to another.

That was what I thought then.

The past two weeks or so have provided me with the opportunity to stare death in the eye,  and to be honest, my perception of death has changed. From watching a pigeon commit suicide, to almost getting run down by vehicles, to meeting a drunk stalker in the middle of the night, to having been admitted to a hospital, and to visiting a friend’s loved one in the cemetery.

I would not want to go into details of the other incidents, because the major highlight of my ‘death weeks’ has definitely got to do with the visit to the cemetery.

Before meeting that friend of mine, my thoughts about the visit was that it was going to be peaceful, maybe even enlightening. However, the moment we entered, I started freaking out. A myriad of emotions was running through me as we combed the entire area, finding the right lot. It was quiet and really peaceful except for the cars that drove past us every once in a while. However, I had a really tough time finding peace within me.

I just felt so much pain, and sorrow, guilt, and helplessness…

The feeling of losing someone forever.

The anger of having someone taken away too soon.

The hope that that someone would return. 

However, what tugged at my heartstrings the most was the emptiness of a forgotten soul.

And then I lost it. Flashbacks about the things I said and did to people, thoughts about my family, friends and loved ones. Would their goals be fulfilled before they’re gone? Would I be there when they’re gone? Would they be forgotten? Would I be forgotten? It was something I had to come to terms with. Death was inevitable.

That night I made a little prayer for those I had in mind…

For my dear friend and his grandma. I have never met your grandma, but just by hearing about her enables me to imagine her to being a beautiful and amazing, caring and doting woman. I often tell my friends that we should never shed tears of sorrow or mourn over someone. Instead, we should shed tears of joy for the years that they lived. I am sure she is watching over you and feeling whatever that you are feeling; the joy, sorrow and hatred that you experience daily. We can’t undo the past, but we can pave the future, and that means you have to enjoy, and live your life to the fullest, so that her mind is at ease :)

To my family. We never really got to spend time as a family, but every time we do, we fight. We fight over money, we fight over responsibilities, we vent our frustrations on each other, we curse and we swear, and we say the meanest things to each other. However, I just want all of you to know that I love you guys, and I will never neglect or even forget my role in this family. I can’t possibly turn back time, but I can make changes to the future. I want to be apart of the family again. I want everyone to feel loved, accepted and acknowledged in this family. There are tonnes of changes to be made, but the first change that I would make me starts with me.

To my friends. You guys are a part of my world, my family, my life. And I want you guys to know that I will always be there for all of you, no matter what. I need you guys (you should know who you are) because you guys are my pillar of strength. You have seen the best and worst in me, and words cannot describe ow much I owe you guys, especially for not giving up in me, but picking me up when I was at my lowest. I never want to forget any of you, and I hope that your lives will be showered with the love, security and comfort that you guys have showered on me, tenfold :)

To everyone else. You are not forgotten, and will never be.

Merry Christmas

Christmas is always celebrated at my place because it is the one occasion where my family is brought together regardless of their race, or any other differences. It is the one occasion where we sing, laugh, eat, drink and leave all the negativity behind. What I love about Christmas the most, is the company and the magical effect it has on us all.

Don't you agree that there's something magical about Christmas? I don't know if it's the ambiance, the company or simply the thought of it that makes it all so special, but I'm loving it.

And what else to top it off than a Christmas movie? Till this very day, one of my favourite movie would have to be "When the Grinch Stole Christmas".

Not only is Cindy Lou Who cute,

That's Taylor Momsen, in case you didn't know.

But I love the storyline and song as well.

So have a very blessed Christmas and enjoy yourselves to your hearts content!

Happy Holidays!

A moving story

When it comes to domestic animals, most of us just treat them as well... PETS. However, some of us may not cherish them as much as others as many find it bothersome to train them, clean them, and feed them. Many of us would prefer to throw them/disown them and even send them away, to be euthanized because you simply can't understand them.

But did you know that you mean the world to them?


Pets are one of a kind, because of their undying love and affection, protection and comfort. So would you bear to leave your pet behind?

Regrets

Just a week ago, a lady came knocking on my door. My brother, Jason (who was having his dinner) attended to her while I was somewhere around the house (I can't really remember). After awhile, I came out to see the lady walk away from our door with a disgruntled look on her face. I asked Jason what she was selling and he said that it was a really small bag that was charged at $10 for one.

Obviously it was a rip-off, but soon after he was done with his dinner, he actually ran all the way down to buy the bag from her. Before I could say anything, he told me to he knows what I'm thinking; that I wanted to chide him for wasting money as the only reason why he bought the bag because the lady was pretty-looking, but then, he told me the actual reason as to why he bought the bag.

He felt guilty.


What on Earth did she do to him that made him feel guilty?

Well, I soon found out from him that the lady was selling the bags to collect funds for the victims of the recent hurricane and quake victims. How can he not donate and don't feel guilty about it when it is after all, for a good cause?


I wasn't surprised at what Jason did, because after all, he is that kind of person who believes in doing good for others.


There have been many other occasions where he, despite being extremely tired from work, would help out in completing stuff (won't go into the details), constantly repeating that "If I don't help, who will?" or "we are after all a family. What's the point in hating him when everyone else hates him too?".


I guess the last point really makes sense, be it to our family, friends, etc...


How can we hate someone when they are already hated by everyone else. Wouldn't that make us like everyone else too?


I guess you should know where I'm heading this blog entry to, to my classmates of course. I know this is totally not the right way to 'advertise' our class issues, but I'm not literally saying that this is an issue that is only between us classmates. In fact, it's to everyone else that's been judging everyone else.


Do you remember how we always told ourselves to not judge a book by its cover, yet every time we failed to do so? Take Susan Boyle for example. Everyone clearly thought she was a waste of time, but the moment she opened her mouth, she became a star. And it was only after she proved her worth, that we began reminding ourselves to not judge a book by its cover.


That phrase isn't supposed and should never work as a 'reflecting' phrase that we recite only once things are over. We should never judge a book by its cover, that should be a reminder BEFORE we do anything, be it make decisions or pass judgment.


The same goes to our classmates, or friends, or even strangers. Sometimes, we can't help but make them as the butt of our jokes, but how would you feel if you were them?


I'd like to apologize to these people, because I too have been a fool as I thought that I was no where like them, but I was wrong because everyone was judging me too.


But I'd like to salute these people for their undying determination to stay true to themselves.


Come on people, look at yourself. The main reason why you speak like how you do or dress like how you are, like everyone else is because you are afraid of standing out or being weird.

I don't really think anyone's weird here, because we always term these "outcasts" as weird, but face it. Who's the weird one, that have clones of yourself all over the place? Decency doesn't really come from your dressing, but your character, that's what I think.


Okay, I'm not going to pick a fight with anyone. What I'm trying to say is that everyone is unique in their own special way and they should stay true to themselves. No one needs to change or give anyone else an explanation for their trends and character. That's how the way they are, and we should accept them for who they are. You never know the type of shit they've been through to literally judge them.

I guess CDEV class changed my perception of things.


On the other hand, what should change is people's perspective and judgment of other people. Instead of siding the majority, why not pay a little attention to the minors for a minute eh?


I'm not saying I'm been the innocent one throughout because I'm not, but I'm willing to learn to change my perspective.


So here's an apology to these people, and a rock on to them too, for being awesome and staying true to themselves.


And here's an open invitation to everyone. Let's just stop judging and chill out yeah? I'm up for some picnic, games and jumbled group discussions. Now who's with me?


If we just keep hating everyone, nothing's gonna work.



Loves.

Random Updates

A couple of weeks ago:

Sleep has left me ever since PPCM paper ended. Somehow, I can't seem to head to bed on time, or early enough to not see the sunrise.

Don't get me wrong, watching the Sun rise is actually beautiful. It gives you a moment to recompose yourself for a whole new day, with new experiences and adventures. It is like an energy restorer; like a breath of fresh air. You've got to experience it for yourself. Breath-taking moment, and nothing can come in second to it. That's why I want my funeral (Click Here to read about my funeral plans) to be held before Sun rise, because it marks a whole new beginning to my Life (or soul) and also because, when I was younger, I thought that Sun rise marked the time for all the wandering souls to head back to where they came from, after watching their loved ones tucked themselves to bed of course. Thus, I want my family and friends to watch over me for the very last Sun rise before I begin my rounds, watching over them (No, I'm not insane, suicidal or being emo.).


After sidetracking so much, back to the bit about the sleepless night. Well, I did try various ways to fall asleep. One of them was to read a book, but I got hooked on to the book (managed to finish 4 books in a week, and unsurprisingly, yelled at by mum because I wasted money buying the books as they'll be chucked in my shelves despite re-reading them) that I'd rather lose sleep to finish up the book (at least it was interesting enough for me to finish reading it).


Since that didn't work, I tried other methods like tuning in to the radio, watching t.v and surfing the net, but every interesting topic that I hear or chance upon, would have me ending up searching more about it through the net. So that didn't work either.


So I ended up every night, or rather dawn, forcing myself to fall asleep by shutting my eyes real tight, day dream or stare out my window (apparently scaring myself to sleep with 'Nenek Keropok' or anything else didn't work either) till I eventually for asleep.


Well, it did work for the first couple of days, but somehow or rather, my body got used to it, so much that I ended up staring blankly till I became hungry. Then out I'd be, in search for food.


The lack of sleep hasn't done much damage to me physically, but it sure has darkened my eye bags (amazingly darker than I'd expect my skin to go, almost rotting black. MEH)


A week ago:

The sleep issues are back. My mum says I'm going blind from all the late night surfing and reading. I think she may be right. Every time I close my eyes or go to sleep, it seems as though bright lights (almost like blinding flash lights) are flashing at(?) my eyes(And no, I wasn't staring at any bright light source whatsoever). In the day, the bright lights would disappear, but there were mini stuffs moving everywhere around me, or at least where my eyes were focusing at(like the heat you see coming from the tarmac on a hot day). Being me, I checked it up on the net, and This kind of had the answers to it, but I don't think I really understand. Heh.



A couple of days ago:

I think it was a day or two before the 'Hungry Ghost Festival' ended. All I could remember was waking up at 3am, to see the door on my wardrobe close by itself.


Now:

Sleep has finally come back to me, but I've been having bad dreams lately. Like last night, I dreamt that my house was on fire. Someone threw something into/something landed at my place and everything started burning up, even Junior. It was so real, I could feel the heat. Perspiration from the heat and panic made it worst as I watched almost charred yet very much alive Junior trying to get the flames off of him. I poured a bucket of water over him and carried his limp body to the bath tub. He looked horrible and I felt nothing but pain.



No one was at home, except him and I (worst combination in the world, if you know me well enough) and Junior. I wasted no time, trying to put out the flames which was everywhere; the curtains; the floor; the ceiling. It was as if my house was covered with kerosene and someone had torched it!


And while I was busy saving the house all he did was ask "What happen?" and "Who did it?", never lifting a finger to help, just the same as he is now in real Life. And despite being in that dream (unreal?) I felt like beating him up. I guess the hatred for him is so great that it can even appear in dreams.


The dream was so real that when I woke up, my body was all tensed and warmer than usual, as though I had been standing under the hot sun. I immediately sprang off of bed to find Junior, only to have him curiously staring at me from the end of my bed. I don't think I've ever hugged anyone or anything as much as I did to Junior immediately after that dream. Poor him, must still be wondering if I'm on drugs or not. But I just hope this never happens. I can't bear to see Junior in that state, EVER.



But this isn't the only dream that I had. I think I'm going crazy soon...




Till then.

Awkward

Every year, around this time, I feel like a little mouse(it's just an example) that is lost in the huge world. It seems as though this month has estranged me from the world, from people especially. I feel all self-conscious and quiver at the sight of someone trying to fathom my motives whenever I was in a shop.


Okay, so maybe all that was an exaggeration, but I do feel nervous whenever the thought of having to leave home to get stuff invades my mind. Why feel nervous only during this time? Well, in case you guys didn't know, 'this time' actually refers to the fasting month, or rather Ramadhan.


It's uncomfortable whenever the fasting month comes around. You see, I'm not a Muslim nor do I fast, but I do look like one (fortunately or unfortunately. In this case, slightly towards the latter). Don't get me wrong, I'm no racist, nor do I have an issue with the Muslim community or any sort. I just have an issue with all the assuming that going on, and being accused of something that I'm not.


I don't want to sound all negative (and I'm not accusing all Muslims to being judgmental) but I'm really sick and tired of being stared at, as though I'm a spawn of Satan, whenever I go into MacDonald's to buy myself an ice cream sundae.


I bet most of you would go "Aiyah, just eat lah. Care for what... You not Malay, so no need to worry about eating in public".


Well, apparently, that's where you're wrong. When I tried to heed that advice a couple of years ago, I was smacked by an old lady with her umbrella for eating ice cream at a bus-stop. Despite the many attempts to explain that I was not a Muslim, all I got back was a nasty glare by those at the bus stop, and a few curses from the old lady. Being hit for nothing when I'm the innocent party.


And then there were the countless times where annoyed staffs decided to confront or rather interrogate me as to why I'm not fasting and still had the nerve to order food in public. Not only would I get bad service, but they'd also shake their heads as they dismiss my reason as a lame excuse.

I can't eat, drink or buy food whenever it's not time for break fast. I don't intend on hanging my I.C around my neck wherever I go, but I don't think it's fair for people like me to be held back from ordering food just because we look like a Muslim.


Stop assuming and go live your own life.

Observations

The 10th of August had marked the end of a 4 month experiment that I had carried out. An experiment so deadly that it could cost me my status or even Life. Okay, maybe not to that extreme.

So what the heck am I talking about? Well, as I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I made a wish to carry out an experiment for four months (why four? No idea either, it just happened to pop into my head at that moment).

The experiment was something simple, yet required a whole lot out of me.



So what was this simple confidential experiment? I simply gave myself the task to observe.

Friends (especially Shera) often find it distracting to talk to me because I'm rarely looking at her most of the time. Instead, my eyes would be wandering about, looking at the people, things or environment around her. She once mentioned that she picked up my 'style' of observing people and could soon tell if I was really paying attention or not. However, she often end up turning around to look at what I'm looking before continuing her 'story'. We'd end up giggling at something else or because we forgot what we were talking about.

There were also friends (like Syuh) who wouldn't mind spending hours with me, sitting and then side tracking by look or rather, observing the things around us.

Don't get me wrong, I love listening to people. But it's seldom the conversation that I pay close attention to. Sometimes, I can't help but to observe the person's body language, style of speaking and every other thing of that person. My attention would not even be on the person, but someone or something else. That was how easily distracted I could be.

It may seem weird, but it has become a habit to me. I love observing things around me and I felt that it was going to be a tough journey for me in Poly, and so on that very night of my birthday, I wished to carry out the experiment in a whole new environment.

The task was very simple. All I had to do was to shut my trap and pay more close attention to the environment around me. I was serious about this experiment and tried my best to keep quiet and act blur/lost when people badmouthed me or even dissed me to my face.

The outcome of this experiment?

I got to really see who were the real assholes around me. When you silently watch someone, his/her motives and intentions become so clear to you that would've hit yourself in the head for being that blind in the first place, and I wasn't only talking about class/school mates, but rather, everyone around me whether they were strangers or not.

During these four months:

I got to see the beauty and the ugly side of our society (not trying to be political or anything).

I realized that if I took the train to Jurong East every Wednesday, I would bump (not literally) into this lady that always seems to enter the same cabin as the other times that she boarded the train.

I bumped (again not literally) or could bump into Terrence Kian when I took the train back after my Field Practicum Attachment.

I've seen this well dressed man with huge Indian, gorgeous brown eyes for at least 1 dozen times in Bus 61.

I'm disappointed to see that elderly were giving up their seats for other people, while the youngsters still continued to 'pretend to sleep' or simply ignore the fact that everyone was staring at them.

I blew bubbles out of my window and watched the rain burst them one by one.

I noticed that everyone moves to the other side of the train upon entering the cabin, rather than moving to the center as mentioned by whoever-that-person-is on the speakers.

I noticed that every working person looked gloomy, while girls were giggly, and guys were drowned by their head banging music when in the train.

I watched how insane or rather, 'kiasu' people were when boarding the train/bus. Gone were the days when we lined up and gave way to those in line. Now, everyone pushes each other, and some even had the cheek to cut the line, pretend that nothing happened, only to laugh it off with their friends later. Pffft...

I managed to strike random conversations with people (Mr. Patrick being one of them).

I watched how a group of adolescence sneak in their drinks in the train, and happily drink away, despite the stares from the crowd.

I've just had enough with idiots who lean on the grab poles in the MRT.

I received comments that majority of my classmates thought that I was scary. Maybe I still am.

I noticed an inch of nose hair sticking out of this man that was standing right infront of me in a packed train. It was disturbing but soon became revolting when he lifted his sweaty, hairy armpit (he was wearing a sleeveless top) grab the handle bar above my head, thus exposing it directly to my face.

I was stuck in a train with an elderly man whom I thinked soiled himself. It was really rude for the other passengers to begin pinching their noses, fanning themselves, and to the extreme, some even sprayed their perfumes in the train, just to show how intolerable the smell was.

I realized that my mother can pick a fight with anyone, anywhere, any time. I was in the train with her and she confronted and even lectured about 4 inconsiderate people (the irritating twit type, the one with huge prams and block the way, not willing to fold their prams even though it was empty, the type that swings their hair about, not caring who's beside or behind them, etc... You get my drift?). She even went up to a saleswoman with a bag without the pricetag and said this "Hello, is this free? There isn't a pricetag on it, so I thought it must be free. Is it free then?". Such hilarious sarcasm.

I noticed that people stare at you and look away nervously when you catch their stare. But if you were to smile at them, they would actually smile back.

It became obvious to me that many were talking about me. It wouldn't be that obvious if you didn't keep pointing to your chin, or literally bend yourself to a side to look at my tattoo.

I found out that people still do judge by first impressions and it's really hard to have them kick it aside. Therefore, I have made more enemies with my looks than ever. And the funny thing was, I never said a word.

I noticed that hummingbirds do visit my mum's plants by the corridor to get the nectar.

I noted that the 'charcoal train' comes by Admiralty station between 3.20 to 4.00am.

I've squished on the wet grass after a heavy downpour and felt the difference when it was a sunny day. People stared at me, but it felt good to squish about barefooted.

I realized that my dog Junior isn't only afraid of thunders, but every other sudden loud noise.

I also found out how the beads on my bag had gone missing, and where Junior always took my soft toys to.


I found out that assholes get really high in the head when you simply nod to their 'commands' rahter than voice your opinions. They then begin bullying you by pushing the entire workload to you. This observation was an exception because I had to make a move or be doomed as a slave. When confronted and showed my 'garang-ness', people like this either 'apologise' and say that they weren't aware, or they simply say that I should've voiced it out in the first place. So people, NEVER STAY SILENT especially when it comes to workload.


I also found out that there are assholes out there who treat you like trash, badmouthing you and even treating you like an invisible object because they think that you're afraid of them, thus keeping quiet to yourself.

But I also found out that there are also really helpful people who volunteer to help you out when they see that you're all quiet. They feel that you're lost and don't want to trouble anyone, and feel that it is only right for them to help you out.


I realized that behaviour, character, habits and thoughts can be influenced. What do I mean by that? Just take this time to reflect on someone that is close to you. I bet she/he influenced you to listen to her/his type of music. You also begin imitating unconsciously, the habits of that particular person, be it the way she/he types, speaks, etc... And I'm pretty sure you share more than one common interest with that person.



Lastly, I realized that the world isn't really about me anymore.



Till then.

Random Updates

Edited.

I finally managed to find some motivation to blog. True enough, as what Syuh said, many of my posts have been kept in drafts for a very long time, so much that it keeps piling up and up, without me completing any of it. But enough is enough, as there are many things to share!


Random Update.


Needless to say, it's the term break for me now. However, it's pretty unfair that the other polytechnics are having theirs at a different date to my polytechnic (yes, that means I can't get to catch up with some of my secondary school friends, and that includes you, Jeanice Mucuc).

And term break isn't really a break to me, as I still have three projects on my shoulders. You know, I actually hate projects now, for the fact that it is in groups. Call me selfish or self-centered but I actually feel that I work best on my own. This of course, has nothing to do with 'cramping me style'. I just don't like the feeling of having to wait for others, or to even have others wait for me. And the greatest setback is that everyone thinks or rather, have different perceptions of the project. This however, can be a benefit at the same time, as we can help cover each others butt.





Wait, why am I arguing with myself over such a topic? Written communication must have done something to me, with the argumentative essays and all.

Moving on...


These couple of weeks has left great and interesting impressions of some of my class mates. In fact, I got to scare them with my home made horror experiences, and even managed to put them in tough and uncomfortable situations (sorry about those times!) about unanswerable questions about religion, the spiritual world, their beliefs and also existence.




I was just being curious. True enough, there are many questions where both religion and science cannot solve. So who will give me the answer?

My mum thinks I'll die a horrible death one day, while trying to unravel all these secrets. But I'll most probably go mad before dying from a horrible death. Who knows?




The later part of this post has been deleted. It is not because I 'chickened out' or fear that a massive amount of parangs will be thrown at me. In fact, it has nothing to do with me fearing for what I wrote, as I will still stand by whatever I wrote earlier.

The reason as to why I removed the 'tale' is simple. I made a mistake. By penning my frustrations, anger and opinions down here not only makes it unfair for the 'victim', but it also causes loads of assumptions and its many other transformations to spread around.

For those who have seen it, good for you. For those who haven't, that's too bad. Whatever that is written in this blog is mere 'one ear in, and out the other' and I prefer no posts to be further discussed or spread around.

The vending of frustrations of that particular person, was indeed a major no-no and I sincerely apologize if she or anyone else takes insult to my words. I admit that I do have inappropriate terms when it comes to blogging. And the post may have sounded bitchy and idiotic.

I know that everyone deserves to have their version of the story told and so, I have decided to remove the 'tale' so as to prevent people from making guesses about who is involved and whatsoever. Besides, everyone needs to reflect on their own actions and from that, I found that I was writing away at my own free will without considering the feelings of those who were involved. Very selfish indeed.

However, as mentioned earlier, I still do stand by every word mentioned in the earlier version of this post. Mean, bitchy, whatever you want to call it. So long as I know that it's from my heart. Ignorant, but truthful. And they say, the truth always hurt.

PS: Whoever wishes to start a war/battle over what I wrote, I wish to gladly invite you to bring it on.



One more time now...





Loves.

Interviews

Interviews are my worst nightmare (other than having the lady from Ring crawl out of my TV, Chuckie to be under my bed, Freddy Krueger to live in my dreams, and Bloody Mary to live in my mirror and scary midget demonic clowns hopping /running around with minituare daggers all happening at the same time. Right Syuh?).





And I dread interviews so much. Why? It is actually not the fear of being rejected during the interview, but rather, not being prepared to give a speech about myself. I am fine with the fact that they ask questions that require me to state my point of view.

However, the killer question during the interview would have to be "Tell me about yourself". Trust me, if you were my interviewer, you'd pretty much want to smack me on the head. Because I always emphasize on the 'wrong' things.

Like in a recent interview that I went to, I was asked to tell them more about myself. And as always, I startd off with my interest. Soon enough, I landed myself in the "I appreciate Arts, but it wouldn't seem like the 'usual' Arts to some, because I enjoy tattoos and body piercings". And then, totally in my own zone, I'll relate incidents (sometimes even chuckling to myself) or events where I got to see beautiful art pieces (the tattoos and body piercings) up close and personal. And I even talked about wanting to head to Thailand to check out the Vegetarian festival because of the body piercings they do there.

The awkwardness would only come when I look up at them, to only see a horrified/bewildered face staring back at me.



And if that isn't bad enough, I have the habit of saying "Errhhh...", "Urm...." and even "And so on", so much that even I find it irritating.

Interviewer: So tell me something about yourself.

Me:I enjoy sports because I think that it is one of the few ways to unleash my potential without having to be judged based on my looks and speech. It also takes my mind of off things and so on.

If I were the interviewer, i'd simply shoot back with a "What the heck is so on?".

Thankfully, all the interviews that I have been to, have nice interviewers.
Why oh why must they have interviews for so many events? It's not as if we're attending some beauty pageant or anything like that. True, we'll be asked questions that require to be answered on the spot, but never something that suggests telling them more about myself.


But then again, it's funny as I relate the entire scenario back at home. I guess I'm so used to the fact that my family accepts Art and are really open-minded, that I relate my opinions just like how I do it at home. And it beats giving beauty pageant answers.





I think most of my classmates know about that part already, if they've been reading my answers on the various articles posted on MEL. And of course, my friends who may know too much about me and my point of view. Hahah!

And other than finding difficulty in giving almost perfect answers to the random questions, I still have no idea why people find it hard to accept those with piercings/tattoos/weird sense of dressing (Weird/unique, you decide).

No matter how much we try to not judge a book by its cover, we always end up doing it.

And sometimes, I hate myself for doing so because when placing myself in that person's shoes, I'd never want anyone to judge me/think of me/ treat me like how I do to some.

Ridiculous.

And now you know, as to why I hate going to interviews. And it's because of interviews that always make me miss fruitful experiences and adventures.

I do hope that I can conquer this fear, or at least find a better answer to the questions soon. Or else, I'm screwed for future careers.


Till then.



Loves.

Breathe

When was the last time you actually took a deep breath of fresh air?






I believe that a breath of fresh air not only keeps you alive, but it also tells you that you're alive. And apart from that, it reminds you that just like water, breathing/air is just as important for our survival.


What I am trying to drive at isn't actually entirely about breathing. In actual fact, what I am trying to portray, is how breathing can impact one's Life. Let's just put aside all the scientific terms shall we?

Breathing to me is not only about acknowledging my existence, but it is also a tool which allows me to take deep breaths every few minutes to relax.





Now it may seem like a ridiculous excuse to let loose, but trust me. A few deep breaths a day, maybe even adding a little zoning out, may do you some good. I am still in the midst of this project. But I must say, it has made me see things in a much positive way. Of course, not positive thatlah.

But like I said, I am still learning to change.


Till then.



Loves.

Making Frienemies

After the third week of school, I am proud to say that I finally am acknowledged in school!

Apparently during one of the lessons where we had to reveal an information about a classmate that no one else knew, a classmate of mine remarked that I had a very weird sense of dressing.


That comment then erupted into a class discussion where people added that I dressed very "Hawaiian" like, and some even said that it was their first time seeing someone who dresses like me!




No, I did not dress like that.


But why am I still so chirpy about my class's comments? Well, it just shows that I am not a trend follower, but rather a trend setter! I think I look good in how I dress, and finally people know of my existence in school! Weird or not, it depends on their taste of style. As for me, I accept weird as a compliment, because it brings me a step closer to being unique. Don't you think so?


So, a quick recap of the previous week, I made an entire or rather, most of the seniors in this particular club hate me. And the funny thing is, I did not even get a chance to annoy them. In fact, I had no chance to interact with them at all! The power of assumptions my friends, it can kill.

Then I had classmates discuss about my dressing style (as a class, with my lecturer!) as though I was a subject.






I have a strong feeling that people would idolize my dressing sense soon. Just you wait.


Oh, and I made tonnes of enemies with random perverts that added me/ I added when I engaged with them flirtatiously day after day before finally scaring them away when I claimed that I was the person that was in this photo:




Sadly, I did not save any of the chats that I had with them.

But what I did not understand was why they did not get the hint when I said that I loved 'slobbering myself in hot creamy butter', and 'jiggling my voluptuous gems at men'.

They must have thought of otherwise when all I intended to do was to speak the truth and nothing but the truth. Oh well...



But, there is actually one it that it absolutely mind-boggling to me. I actually made an enemy with someone when I showed him my actual photograph. How can?!?!







This person was actually a secondary school senior that I have never met before. We started off pretty okay, with random conversations here and there. Then there was the grand moment when he asked whether he could see my photograph. I told him that he could get it off of Facebook but he insisted that I send one to him.

Foolishly, I did. But that was where it pretty much ended. Apparently, he was someone who 'Anti's people like me; people who like piercings, tattoos and appreciate the various types of arts that are pretty much still a taboo around the world.




This (above) my friends, is just one of the many piercings carried out during the 'Vegetarian Festival' in Thailand.


Thus seeing that I had a lip piercing, dyed hair and so much more, he was pretty much enraged, and asked if I had any more piercings or tattoos.


Feeling that it was unnecessary for me to respond and be judged by what I look like, I simply ended the conversation with a "Go to hell. I don't see why you must make a big deal with what I like. You make it seem as though you need to control me. Like hello? I don't go around asking you/comparing you with the things I like or don't like. I just don't judge people like that. Dumb ass. Go bitch about anti-ing me to someone else, I don't give two f*cks about it".






Don't get this wrong. I'm actually a very nice person. That is, if you don't judge me for how I look/without getting to know me better lah.



Loves.

Happy Mothers' Day!

Dear Mummy,

I remember vividly of the day that I was born. The instant love I felt when you cradled me so lovingly in your arms. You accepted me without any hesitation. And you cared for me and called me beautiful even though I may not have been the 'Perfect' child.

I remember clearly of the events that happened when I was still too young. But I understand everything now. And I thank you for being there for my brothers and I, for we would not have been able to survive without you.


I remember the times where you brought me for a swim. You had a phobia of the water, and yet, just for me, you went into the pool because I was such a pestering child. I remember how excited I was whenever we had snacks after swimming. I remember the times where you brought us to Toys R' Us to pick our own presents. I also remember how you always fought for us in school whenever our teacher complained about us. I remember everything you did, just to pacify my brothers and I.


A loving mother, you shielded us from all signs on danger, and have even gone to the extreme of putting your life in danger, just for us. You always had us placed as priority, even today. And despite all the many years of suffering, you always emerge as top despite all the struggling.

No words can describe how much we admire you. Your strength, courage, perseverance and of course, your love for us.






But sometimes, we kids just can't seem to agree with how adults think. And I apologize for the many times we made you disappointed, sad and even angry. Words do hurt and I believe that sometimes we say them without thinking about the feelings of others. And for that, I'm sorry.


I remember the day we made you cry. It was on your birthday, when you were 42. It keeps replaying in my head, and I don't think I can ever forgive myself, needless to say, my brothers as well. You don't deserve all this, not when you did so much for us.


It's time for us to spread our wings and take charge, because mummy, you are not any younger. And I promise, that we'll never ever let you down again.


Happy Mothers' Day mummy.

Home

Someone once told me that true love is hard to find. And once you find it, you'll never ever let it go because it practically fills the gaps that were missing all along, in your life.

I may be too young and may never experience true love, but I sure do know how similar it is to finding 'The Ideal Home' (coincidentally, Micheal Buble's 'Home' is playing on my Itunes).





When someone asks you, "What's your ideal home?", how would you respond?


Many would shoot away at the location of their house, then go into the details; from the exterior structure to the interior structure; from the exterior design to the interior designs; from the basic necessities to the decorative preferences.


Now with this image of your future home set in your mind, most of you would set sail, to go in search for it. But many never get to see the finishing line. Why? It's either they gave up halfway, or because they are not satisfied with what they found.


But what exactly is an Ideal Home? Just walk by the streets one day and try to spot a homeless person (just watch some clips/videos from the net if you can't find any). Ask him/her where his/her home is and they might even show it to you.






True enough, it may be a plain old cardboard to you. But to them, it means the world. Because it not only provides cushion (although very little) when they sleep, but it also shields them from the Sun and rain.


So what is you Ideal Home again? To me, an ideal home is all about feeling it. It does not even have to be an infrastructure. Just like in this the homeless person's case, it was his/her cardboard.


So what exactly do I mean by 'feeling it'? Well, I believe that an ideal home is about the welcoming feeling once you step into it. It is about belonging to it. And don't you want to head to bed knowing that you're safe from robbers/crooks/thieves/boogeyman?



Home is the place where you grow and learn. To me, an ideal home should feel like the love from my mum, the one who nurtured me. That is how my ideal home is.


So people, the next time someone asks you what your ideal home is, close your eyes, and envision the love from your family and friends. That is what your ideal home should be like. So don't let the materialistic world brainwash you into slogging and then spending tonnes of money buying houses just because the majority population wants their home to be like that. Stay true to your heart and no matter what type of home you get, cherish it and love it with all your heart, just like how your mum took care of you.


Because you never when the world turn their backs against you. Who will take you in? Your home of course.



Loves.