Taken from my post in facebook

"    I used to think that change was only possible if I were Miss World, or something along the line. However, I realized that change is possible, and it starts with me. 

     I know that most of you are wondering “what change?”, “who are these people tagged?”, and “why I am even tagged?” Well, you guys all fall under different categories; people who I respect a lot, people who I love dearly, people whom I have lost touch with, and/or people whom I thought I would never hold another conversation with, in this life time. Obviously there is no specific category for everyone, because amidst you guys are some people whom I have not talked to in years, people whom I have never had a disagreement with, and people whom I have never even had a conversation with at all. However, all of you guys are tagged only for reason, and that is, that I am starting on a project and I wish to involve all of you.

     No, don’t worry. It’s not an assessed school assignment, but rather, a personal project. Many of us are often dissatisfied with our lives. I know I am, and thus, I decided to come up with this project. Let’s just put it as a life-changing project involving you and I.   

     Most of you may not know me well enough, but I am, or rather, I was someone whom used to hate the world, the people, and was always out to prove my worth. However, overtime I realized that life is so much more than worrying about the trends in fashion, the hate for others, and even revenge. Because I realized that while I was so caught up with myself, I tend to forget about the people who were there from the start; the people who did not judge or question, the people who trusted me, cared, and supported me. I was oblivious. In fact, I was worse than that. I had a mind of an exaggerated soldier. I hid among the barracks, armed with a machine gun. I not only isolated myself, but pushed everyone away from me, and would shoot at anyone whom I felt was out to hurt me. However, I realized that I was always too quick to jump the gun, hurting the innocent (I know that might sound rather severe, but I couldn’t really think of anything else to better describe what I was going through, so better to have it exaggerated huh :D). That is why I would like to take this opportunity to apologize.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that we got off on a wrong foot. I’m sorry for not be there for you. I’m sorry for not listening. I’m sorry that I was always caught up in trying to prove my worth, that I neglected you. I’m sorry that I am always so caught up with what other people are saying about us. Most importantly, I’m sorry for not holding onto what we had, be it friendship, a bond, a connection. 

That is why I’d like to start over. No more hiding, no more fears, no more aggression, just me, and I hope you’d forgive me and start over too.

Hi, my name is Kethlyn, and I’d like to get to know you all over again.

Random Updates

A couple of weeks ago:

Sleep has left me ever since PPCM paper ended. Somehow, I can't seem to head to bed on time, or early enough to not see the sunrise.

Don't get me wrong, watching the Sun rise is actually beautiful. It gives you a moment to recompose yourself for a whole new day, with new experiences and adventures. It is like an energy restorer; like a breath of fresh air. You've got to experience it for yourself. Breath-taking moment, and nothing can come in second to it. That's why I want my funeral (Click Here to read about my funeral plans) to be held before Sun rise, because it marks a whole new beginning to my Life (or soul) and also because, when I was younger, I thought that Sun rise marked the time for all the wandering souls to head back to where they came from, after watching their loved ones tucked themselves to bed of course. Thus, I want my family and friends to watch over me for the very last Sun rise before I begin my rounds, watching over them (No, I'm not insane, suicidal or being emo.).


After sidetracking so much, back to the bit about the sleepless night. Well, I did try various ways to fall asleep. One of them was to read a book, but I got hooked on to the book (managed to finish 4 books in a week, and unsurprisingly, yelled at by mum because I wasted money buying the books as they'll be chucked in my shelves despite re-reading them) that I'd rather lose sleep to finish up the book (at least it was interesting enough for me to finish reading it).


Since that didn't work, I tried other methods like tuning in to the radio, watching t.v and surfing the net, but every interesting topic that I hear or chance upon, would have me ending up searching more about it through the net. So that didn't work either.


So I ended up every night, or rather dawn, forcing myself to fall asleep by shutting my eyes real tight, day dream or stare out my window (apparently scaring myself to sleep with 'Nenek Keropok' or anything else didn't work either) till I eventually for asleep.


Well, it did work for the first couple of days, but somehow or rather, my body got used to it, so much that I ended up staring blankly till I became hungry. Then out I'd be, in search for food.


The lack of sleep hasn't done much damage to me physically, but it sure has darkened my eye bags (amazingly darker than I'd expect my skin to go, almost rotting black. MEH)


A week ago:

The sleep issues are back. My mum says I'm going blind from all the late night surfing and reading. I think she may be right. Every time I close my eyes or go to sleep, it seems as though bright lights (almost like blinding flash lights) are flashing at(?) my eyes(And no, I wasn't staring at any bright light source whatsoever). In the day, the bright lights would disappear, but there were mini stuffs moving everywhere around me, or at least where my eyes were focusing at(like the heat you see coming from the tarmac on a hot day). Being me, I checked it up on the net, and This kind of had the answers to it, but I don't think I really understand. Heh.



A couple of days ago:

I think it was a day or two before the 'Hungry Ghost Festival' ended. All I could remember was waking up at 3am, to see the door on my wardrobe close by itself.


Now:

Sleep has finally come back to me, but I've been having bad dreams lately. Like last night, I dreamt that my house was on fire. Someone threw something into/something landed at my place and everything started burning up, even Junior. It was so real, I could feel the heat. Perspiration from the heat and panic made it worst as I watched almost charred yet very much alive Junior trying to get the flames off of him. I poured a bucket of water over him and carried his limp body to the bath tub. He looked horrible and I felt nothing but pain.



No one was at home, except him and I (worst combination in the world, if you know me well enough) and Junior. I wasted no time, trying to put out the flames which was everywhere; the curtains; the floor; the ceiling. It was as if my house was covered with kerosene and someone had torched it!


And while I was busy saving the house all he did was ask "What happen?" and "Who did it?", never lifting a finger to help, just the same as he is now in real Life. And despite being in that dream (unreal?) I felt like beating him up. I guess the hatred for him is so great that it can even appear in dreams.


The dream was so real that when I woke up, my body was all tensed and warmer than usual, as though I had been standing under the hot sun. I immediately sprang off of bed to find Junior, only to have him curiously staring at me from the end of my bed. I don't think I've ever hugged anyone or anything as much as I did to Junior immediately after that dream. Poor him, must still be wondering if I'm on drugs or not. But I just hope this never happens. I can't bear to see Junior in that state, EVER.



But this isn't the only dream that I had. I think I'm going crazy soon...




Till then.