I used to think nothing of death. Heck, I was so comfortable with the idea of leaving this Earth, that I messed with the elements of death, all the time. I mean what kind of sixteen year old plans her own funeral and posts it on her blog on her sixteenth birthday? Well, that teenager was me.
I never really gave much thought about death because too many people had left me even before I learned how to pronounce their names. I was just too young and I didn’t know how to feel whenever death came knocking on our doors.
However, as I grew older, I realized that I would tell my friends that death should be in a form of celebration of that person’s existence. Afterall, death is nothing but a transition of existence from one state to another.
That was what I thought then.
The past two weeks or so have provided me with the opportunity to stare death in the eye, and to be honest, my perception of death has changed. From watching a pigeon commit suicide, to almost getting run down by vehicles, to meeting a drunk stalker in the middle of the night, to having been admitted to a hospital, and to visiting a friend’s loved one in the cemetery.
I would not want to go into details of the other incidents, because the major highlight of my ‘death weeks’ has definitely got to do with the visit to the cemetery.
Before meeting that friend of mine, my thoughts about the visit was that it was going to be peaceful, maybe even enlightening. However, the moment we entered, I started freaking out. A myriad of emotions was running through me as we combed the entire area, finding the right lot. It was quiet and really peaceful except for the cars that drove past us every once in a while. However, I had a really tough time finding peace within me.
I just felt so much pain, and sorrow, guilt, and helplessness…
The feeling of losing someone forever.
The anger of having someone taken away too soon.
The hope that that someone would return.
However, what tugged at my heartstrings the most was the emptiness of a forgotten soul.
And then I lost it. Flashbacks about the things I said and did to people, thoughts about my family, friends and loved ones. Would their goals be fulfilled before they’re gone? Would I be there when they’re gone? Would they be forgotten? Would I be forgotten? It was something I had to come to terms with. Death was inevitable.
That night I made a little prayer for those I had in mind…
For my dear friend and his grandma. I have never met your grandma, but just by hearing about her enables me to imagine her to being a beautiful and amazing, caring and doting woman. I often tell my friends that we should never shed tears of sorrow or mourn over someone. Instead, we should shed tears of joy for the years that they lived. I am sure she is watching over you and feeling whatever that you are feeling; the joy, sorrow and hatred that you experience daily. We can’t undo the past, but we can pave the future, and that means you have to enjoy, and live your life to the fullest, so that her mind is at ease :)
To my family. We never really got to spend time as a family, but every time we do, we fight. We fight over money, we fight over responsibilities, we vent our frustrations on each other, we curse and we swear, and we say the meanest things to each other. However, I just want all of you to know that I love you guys, and I will never neglect or even forget my role in this family. I can’t possibly turn back time, but I can make changes to the future. I want to be apart of the family again. I want everyone to feel loved, accepted and acknowledged in this family. There are tonnes of changes to be made, but the first change that I would make me starts with me.
To my friends. You guys are a part of my world, my family, my life. And I want you guys to know that I will always be there for all of you, no matter what. I need you guys (you should know who you are) because you guys are my pillar of strength. You have seen the best and worst in me, and words cannot describe ow much I owe you guys, especially for not giving up in me, but picking me up when I was at my lowest. I never want to forget any of you, and I hope that your lives will be showered with the love, security and comfort that you guys have showered on me, tenfold :)
To everyone else. You are not forgotten, and will never be.
