Promise

We never promised each other much
we were always just kind of touch and go.
as if we knew we'd know that somehow we'd grow differently
so we did and we do
and none of this is to say that it wasn't worth going through
or that i care any less about you
shoulders to lean on are hard to come by.
I know because there were times I would have broken my own neck
just so that I'd have one of my own to cry on.

And I remember when each finger was a pawn 
moving slowly across the chessboard of your body
and we made each game last.
Passed up each avenue of attack because neither one of us were trying to win
So how do we begin again when that feels like now and this feels like then?
When all I can do is tell you 
"if you've got something that needs saying, tonight I'm paying dues."
I've got a pocket full of blues and two pennies to rub together
Which means I'm wealthy enough that I can finally afford to pay attention.
I'm listening.

And I know right now I'm somehow like that kid sitting in math class, 
terribly aware of his first boner.
It's hard. 
But difficulty has never been a good enough reason to describe 
the effort it takes to make the good times and the memories worth having. 
And they were and they are and I wouldn't have come this far 
if you weren't worth the sleepless nights where abandoned appetites of a heart, now rail-thin, because of the constant hunger strikes. 
In your absence, I'm finding value, 
because what starves you carves you, 
and I'm chipping away the rough edges of a statue 
built to memorialize everything we've been through. 
And when I'm done, I'm gonna set it against 
the backdrop of the sun and stare just no matter where I go, 
it'll always be etched into the back of my mind, 
stenciled in behind whatever future I have left to find. 

Maybe we were never meant to last. 
Maybe we're only meant to reflect fondly upon a past where we cast ourselves in the lead role of a one-year sitcom. 
One that had the critics standing, while putting hand to palm, 
in an ovation we're still getting curtain calls for. 
And the stage floor was a graveyard for the 
freshly cut roses that we waded through 
to take our bows and say 
thank you. 
It was beautiful. 
And it was and it is and none of it was ever show-biz. 
But we were waiting for lights to dim on a stage where we set ourselves to music. 
As if the swelling violins could ever 
mimic the hidden moments found in the theatre 
where we kept audiences stapled to their seats. 
And they watched us, looking for vacancies they could occupy in the spaces between our heartbeats, 
as if silence was a room for rent, 
and we both went "shh." 
But the beats themselves: 
they were loud enough to drown out the applause. 
And we laughed at the ushers left looking in the aisles for the dropped jaws of patrons who still can't believe we took time to find beauty in the flaws we possess. 
That there's only something better to be found in allowing our collective damage to coalesce. 
And all we confess of ourselves forever 
is that we will make it through this. 
We're gonna make it through this, 
like a big-ass jug of cool-aid with legs and arms 
busting through a brick wall to quench the thirst of our loneliness and say "fuck yeah." 

Yes, I miss you. 
When I'm not looking, the softest parts of me 
will issue restraining orders. 
Not the kind that define borders or boundaries; 
these are the kind that will keep me in place when I ask 
"please, call me when you get there." 
Because every somewhere I go to, 
is just another place that reminds me I miss you. 

And my broken heart is where I keep the scar-tissue 
that I used to dry my eyes when a tear tries to make a break for it. 
I've built my eyelids into an Alcatraz, 
where every prisoner has a parole board meeting scheduled for yesterday. 
And they played dominoes until time comes full circle, 
like a sun rise, and today tries to set them free 
because they'll be locked up here until I let them go, 
until it's safe to let you know 
you're my best friend. 
And that some things end 
so that other things can begin. 
Sometimes an ending can be an origin.
That history is a resin that can keep 
two people stuck together, 
that change can be a tether if you let it. 

I'll always want to kiss you. 
Or touch you.
Or do that thing that drives you crazy. 
And by that, I mean you literally go crazy when I call you "cranky pants." 
Sorry, but it makes me laugh. 
And that's important to someone 
who's given more than half of their life to tragedy. 
I keep your side of the bed empty with a just-in-case mentality of
that hope's middle name is maybe and maybe you miss me too. 
One day, 
you and I are going to make it through this. 
And we'll look back 
and we'll realize 
that we have, 
and we did, 
promise.

Random Updates

Long Post Ahead

Ever since I was a young kid, I had this attraction towards body piercings and tattoos. Maybe it's because of the exposure to Thaipusam and the many other festivals when I was younger (when I was barely able to walk).

On a site note: Do you have any idea how freakin' heavy the kavadi is?!?

Anyway, after many pestering attempts to convince my brother that I was ready for a tattoo (I didn't need to pester my parents since they have long allowed me to get one. It was only my brothers who were in the way of me getting one), I finally got one!

I added that it was better for me to get a tattoo done by my very own brother than to have some other stranger do it for me. This pretty much convinced them as I was on my way to getting inked!

The tattoo design that I chose came from a well known graffiti artist known as Miss Van.

You can go google her nickname for her biography as well as her works.

I have a folder in my computer that has pretty much all her work that I can retrieve from the net.

The design that I chose was on the very last minute, as I couldn't decide which one to pick. However, I picked this design (below) in the end. And I think made the right choice. Besides, I think it looks pretty cool for a girl to have pin-ups on her body (whaaaaat.. I'm just saying).

It's the girl in the green dress by the way.

My brother was really peeved at my last minute choice (since I chose it on Saturday night, and was going to get inked on Sunday). Despite that, he still managed to come up with an awesome sketch (below).

I was ecstatic as I told him that I wanted vibrant colours rather than the pastel type (from the graffiti). And I even added that I wanted white highlights to make the lips more 'pouty'. And I got everything I asked for.

I was all set to getting inked when everyone began telling me how painful tattoos are, how much blood that will be and so on. Most of it was exaggerated because it was nothing near that.

In fact, I think I kinda' freaked some of the people (who were over there) out because I actually enjoyed the sensation of getting inked. My brother thinks I'm insane, but I enjoyed revealing to these strangers of my attraction to the smell of blood (how I was secretly jumping for joy at the tattoo convention when I smelled blood everywhere), my insane obsession over piercings (I still think piercings, but not too much, are cool. I have yet to see someone get a dermal anchor!) and how I found the inking process to be more ticklish that painful. I even showed them the goosebumps that I had whenever my brother went near the ankle/shin bone.


After an hour and a half, my brother completed the outline. And it actually looked pretty cool just in black and gray.

Bored yet?

Anyway, I think I was a pretty bad customer because I kept getting butt and leg (on the other leg) cramps. And I kept shifting my position as I watched other customers get themselves inked, or have a certain part of their body pierced. Kaypo mah.


After another grueling hour and a half, my tattoo was done!

Initially, my brother was worried that the colours might not 'come out' onto my skin, since I was pretty dark skinned. However, he still stuck to the same colours. And low and behold, the tattoo looks awesome. It'll get lighter and brighter after awhile as it is still in the 'healing process', thus explaining the redness and swells.


Overall, the tattoo process seemed fine. It wasn't as painful as many exaggerated it to be. Although, I must admit, that the shading part was pretty irritating as the fine needle kept tickling my nerves.

The 'dead' skin is slowly peeling away, and I'll soon be able to show my 'sticker-like' pin-up!

Till then.

Oh and just so you know, this tattoo has no meaning or impact to my life. I just love Miss Van's work, so I figured it'll look good on me.

Loves

Goodbye 2008. Hello 2009

Goodbye 2008. Thank God you're finally gone. You've been the suckiest year ever.

I must say that 2008 did allow me to have some fun like

• Having a closer bond with my class; Achievers of 2008.

• Having great friends

There are of course many others whose photos isn't here. But you must understand, I'm not a photo kind of person, and I do regret it alot. But you're loved just as much as them (above). People like my volleyball teammates, coach, Ms Janay Lim, Ms Lynn Choo, Mr Soh, Mr Ben, Mdm Su, Ms Serene, Ms Lim Hui Qi, Ms Toh, Mdm Yap, Mr Fan, Mr Ni, Mdm Timah, Mr Kheng, Mdm Dzarina, Syuhada, Raudah, mak nenek Jeanice, Jia Min and so on . Like I said, there are many others who aren't named here. If I did name all of you, this post would never end.

• Like being able to attend and win events like a "Youth Blogger Finalist" and being able to catch movies with the Big Time Bloggers of Singapore.
  

I am really appreciative for all these things. But time and again, I can't help but feel that "Someone up there" is testing me. Sometimes I feel so fed up that tears just flow in frustration. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to sound all emo, nor do I want anyone's sympathy. This isn't a post of a attention seeking girl who uses stress to claim attention. Heck no.


Well, I haven't been very happy ever since I lost my companion of 11 years. Yup, my dog. Well, it hit me real darn hard. Having to cradle her while she slowly fade in and out of consciousness, with a bloody nose, on Christmas Eve last year. Then to only see her slowly fade away at home this year. I thought she would last longer. But I was wrong.


Losing my dog wasn't the only f*cked up thing that happen. There were many incidents where I almost lost my Life due to many reckless drivers. Impatient ones as well.


Then I almost did not make it on my studies, I only passed two subjects in my Prelims. Really disappointing, but it was mainly because of my health, which leads to another point.


I found out that I was suffering from stress due to problems at home. I also found out that I have high blood pressure, and would often have headaches, unless I can reduce my stress. And to make things worst, I am allergic to Panadol.


Well, I must say, that depression did hit me hard this year. With the constant misunderstandings in school, with teachers and friends. Then there are those at home. Sometimes it feels really sickening to be placed in situations where there is no where to turn to.


I wouldn't mind listening to my friend's problems and of course, to help them solve it. But time and again, I wondered "why am I helping them when I can't even solve mine?".


Maybe it sounds selfish. But I have turned down anyone who needs someone to talk to. I always try my best to make them smile again. But sometimes it hurts to much, to do something for someone and not feel appreciated. Am I caring for the wrong people? Or am I doing it all wrong? I have no idea. But what I do know is that It sucks.


Oh well, at least I still have my family, and a roof under my head.



Well, I don't really do New Year Resolutions nor Birthday wishes. But this year's a new year, so what the heck.


For my new year resolution:

1. I want my family to not worry about money matters.
2. I want everyone to be in the pink of health.
3. I want to make it to the course of my choice :Child Psychology
4. I want to be happier
5. I want to be able to play volleyball with my team again.

Well the new year has finally arrived. And all I want to say is:


To my family and my true friends, those who have been by my side when I needed you most, Thank you so much and I do love you!

To those whom I have insulted or did things to hurt you, I am truly sorry. Please do forgive me.




Well, 2009 bring it on!









Happy New Year everyone!








Loves.