Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

It's been a long time, too long in fact, since I've last talked to you. The journey hasn't been any better since Shandy's death. In fact, it's slowly crumbling in front of me.

Is living each day a preparation towards Death?

When I first came into this world, and could think on my own, I thought to myself "Okay, let's put all the bullshit behind and start things anew", but as usual, someone 'up there' screwed my Life up time and again.

Is it a test?

I doubt it's a test. I've never gotten back a single result.

Is it a form retribution then?

How the hell can I remember what I've did in the past? It's not as if I killed anyone. Even if I did, you should have punished me back then, not now.

Many have said that there would definitely be something Good for me after I've cleared through the mess.

But what if the mess is never ending?

Others have said that the reason as to why I am in this state is because of all the wrong choices I made in Life, and how stubborn I was in sticking with them.

Are all the choices that I made in Life wrong?

Is it really me? Am I such a douche that I can't even pick myself up when I've fallen? Am I that oblivious as to see what is really going on around me? Why does every choice that I make, hurt others?

Am I here to help them succeed, or rise to success by myself?

Is it all worth it? Why should I suffer now just to prove that I can succeed later? What if I never do succeed? What is that 'thing' that will make me become successful? Family? Fame? Money? Love? Happiness?

The constant struggle; the battle against myself, the people, the world, the demons, have drained me entirely. It seems never ending, and I don't know if I can hold on any longer. It's just too much for me to take.

Is there really light at the end of the tunnel?

This battle slowly tearing me apart, emotionally and physically. I am tired, just so tired that I wish to fall asleep and never wake up.

There isn't a need for a happy ending.

Good night.